BLACK FRIDAY

The day after thanksgiving, the busiest shopping day of the year. I am still reeling from Jim's admission that the vault has been "edited". I get a feeling that I should call Donna, Chris' mom, I meant to call her yesterday, to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I never got to it, could have been the endless chopping, or the endless Bud Lights, I am not sure.
Anyway I leave the living roomn and limp up stairs to retrieve my phone, there is already a text message from Jenn "call me ASAP". Hmmmmm I know what it is, but I don't dare actually go there in my mind. I call her, Don't remember if we exchanged the usual pleasantries, I do remember her saying that Jenn had passed. The pain that coursed through my chest and heart was the same pain I felt on April 2nd. Was it a rebirth of my loss of Chris pain or pain for Jennifer, or both. All I know is that it hurt so bad that I let out a guttural scream/yelp/yell. It frightened my nephew. I flew to my brother's leather and cherry wooded office. His sancturay, now mine. I asked questions, I heard answers, I mostly heard my heart beating wildly in my chest. And I felt the scraping of the knives against my heart. Ouch ouch ouch, it hurt so much. I sobbed uncontrollably, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe, the walls, painted a soft beige were closing in on me, the lovely painting that I had admired yesterday seemed to warp in and out. The lovely stems of grass waved out of the picture toward me. The lemony yellow of the sun in the picture, started to dim. The bile started to rise in my throat. I knew I was going to lose the Eggs Benedict I had prepared and eaten 20 minutes ago. Dizzy, nauseous, sick. I can't stay in the room, I can't leave. I am in Ohio, I want to run and leave .....run to where? This is awful the tears are awful, hot and the pain in my heart hurts so much.
Why? I knew this was coming but I can't stand this now. I ask about my mother in law, I want to talk to her but can't now because all she will hear is animal sounds coming out of my mouth. I hang up and drop the phone.
I run up stairs and throw myself on the bed....sobs wrack my body. I try to stifle my sobs. I don't want my brother and his family to hear me. Could they understand the whale like sounds that emanate from my gut?
I finally get it together and descend the immense stair case to the first floor.
Jenn died, I tell my brother. He sits in his leather chair, he responds in a sympathetic-light way. I want a hug. I want to collapse in someones arms. I want to scream and cry and writhe on the floor. But the kids are there and Joan is there and it is also surreal.. I want to be away away from Ohio, but there is no where else to go to escape this pain.
My brother asks me if I want to go look at tile, for his bathroom renovation. I say yeah, sure.