Rituals that we performed together, getting up early driving downtown to set up the chairs, with rocks and props made doubly heavy by the absence of my life partner. Not only did I have to carry the equipment alone, I also had to carry the memories and the sensations of memories. We were such a great team and now I am a "solitary". That's the name I picked for myself....my new mantra. It makes it seem less like I am the half of something, more of a singleton, instead of a pair. So sad this solitary life, so singular.
So i place the chairs only 2 this time one for me and one for Lynne who will be down later. The reserves signed taped, and I wander Commercial Street, not wanting to head back to the hotel with the extra large King bed, so big it feels like Montana to sleep in. I wander the nearly deserted streets, thinking how hopeless I must look, tears streaming down my face walking rather slowly as it is already hot out. The emotional energy that it took to do this alone far out weighs that actual caloric expenditure of the work. I feel depleted, achy inside and oh so desolate.
I pass our favorite breakfast place.....all the tables are filled with twosomes, I feel like I do not belong here anymore and that maybe this was a mistake, I want to leave I don't want to see the parade and the infectious joy of life it brings down commercial street, like a freight train of happiness spilling on to the spectators, screaming we are alive and we are happy!
I don't think I will be able to bear it and the joy that spills out onto me will feel like acid burning away my skin and flesh. Maybe I should call Lynne and tell her to turn around, or maybe she will distract me enough to make be able to breath. I walk back to the chairs.....usually I am maniacal about checking them, today I don't care. A homeless man is sitting on the bench, he asks me if I have a cigarette, I tell him know and sit down for a bit, my hips so painful from the weather and the walk. He asks several passersby and no luck. I ask what he smokes, he says Marlboro Reds, I go to the drug store and buy him a pack. I give them to him he thanks me saying he has no money......He asks me if I want one, I decline (not my brand....).
I finally go back to the hotel, Lynne will be here in a few minutes, I lay on the bed, write a few things down that I want to remember to blog about and wait.
When she comes it is hard to see her at first, she and Chris were so close, but I am close to her as well, not in a known you as long as high school, but known you as long as Chris kind of way.
We decide to hit the stores (the nth time for me) we have lunch at waydowntown, I get teary eyed this was our "go to" place. She understands she gets it.
Finally it is parade time....Peace Love and Go Go boots, The parade seems faded, the music isn't as loud, the colors not as vibrant. The folks on the floats are gyrating and dancing but to be it seems vapid. It is as if I am watching it on a television where the sound is somewhat muted, and the color is off. Have I sucked all the joy out of the parade. I admit I wanted to feel that celebratory communion, but I feel flat. I don't feel Chris, I don't feel anything.
If only Adam Lambert had shown up.......
Thursday, August 20, 2009
out on the edge
I woke up last night at 2 AM, with the worst chest pain and shortness of breath. I was both afraid and happy, this is it I really thought, I am going to die, we are miles from doctors and hospitals I will have a heart attack and Lynne (sorry Lynne) will find me dead. I think I should get up and write a will so Max gets everything..... but I am to weak and breathing is too hard to even think of it. I try to relax and let death come, I am ready, I am done, thank God this nightmare will be over, maybe I will see Chris, maybe he is the one strangling me.....a mercy killing.
I am not afraid at all, just ready......I pass out or fall asleep, because I wake up the next morning still alive, still in pain and still not wanting to face any of it.
I am not afraid at all, just ready......I pass out or fall asleep, because I wake up the next morning still alive, still in pain and still not wanting to face any of it.
Wednesday, August 19, 2009
grief on vacation
So it is Wednesday. I put in my planner grief day. This is day I am supposed to do my grief work. I caught up on some blogging this morning, yesterday wrote the letters. So today more excruciating grief work. Touch the pain, feel it cry.
I have been trying but I feel so exposed. I went to the pool for a beak and turned my chair away from every one's I didn't want to make eye contact or engage in idle chat. Just let me be here.
I am starting to feel like I want to go home. Tonight is drag bingo and dinner with Dave. this place is starting to haunt me with memories both old and new. Memories of crossing the parking lot so many times with Chris, now alone. going to breakfast with Chris, now alone. It still doesn't feel real to me, not at all. This can't be permanent! Why am I forced to go on vacation without my husband? Why do I have to be alone and is it obvious to everyone that I am on y own, and a widow?
I don't like looking at the outside of the hotel, it is like an icon of our vacation, our home away from home. Another place that brings me pain. Why isn't he here? I heard him (?) once on the beach, was I imagining it? hallucinating from the sea, salt and sand?
I have been trying but I feel so exposed. I went to the pool for a beak and turned my chair away from every one's I didn't want to make eye contact or engage in idle chat. Just let me be here.
I am starting to feel like I want to go home. Tonight is drag bingo and dinner with Dave. this place is starting to haunt me with memories both old and new. Memories of crossing the parking lot so many times with Chris, now alone. going to breakfast with Chris, now alone. It still doesn't feel real to me, not at all. This can't be permanent! Why am I forced to go on vacation without my husband? Why do I have to be alone and is it obvious to everyone that I am on y own, and a widow?
I don't like looking at the outside of the hotel, it is like an icon of our vacation, our home away from home. Another place that brings me pain. Why isn't he here? I heard him (?) once on the beach, was I imagining it? hallucinating from the sea, salt and sand?
Tuesday, August 18, 2009
reply from *Chris*
Hon
All the crying and hurting won't bring me back. I was here for a purpose and that was to show you what it means to love. I loved you despite some of our differences in who we are. I loved you the best way; the way that was best for you. You will always have that. You can do anything you want, be anything you want . I tried to teach you that but it was hard for you to embrace. You don't need me every minute to guide you. You know I loved you. Now you just have to finish your life in a way that you can that makes sense and will make you happy, otherwise what is the point? You may have many years left-don't squander them.
C
All the crying and hurting won't bring me back. I was here for a purpose and that was to show you what it means to love. I loved you despite some of our differences in who we are. I loved you the best way; the way that was best for you. You will always have that. You can do anything you want, be anything you want . I tried to teach you that but it was hard for you to embrace. You don't need me every minute to guide you. You know I loved you. Now you just have to finish your life in a way that you can that makes sense and will make you happy, otherwise what is the point? You may have many years left-don't squander them.
C
Monday, August 17, 2009
August 17th. Hospice Homework write to Chris
Dear Chris:
I miss you so much. I am so sorry that I/we/they couldn't fix your GIST. I am so sad that your life was cut short and that you are missing so much (but then I didn't know that you even care about that from wherever you are right now. I miss you, I miss being with you, loving you and most of all being loved by you. You were the most wonderful, caring, generous, funny, sexy,smart, kind, introspective, clever,ingenious man I have ever ever known or could imagine for that matter. My life is so fucking empty without you I can't bear it sometimes. I want you back, impossible. If not then I don't want to be apart of the world. I will just be solitary, alone til I die because you were all I ever wanted. You and life we created. Together of course. You were the architect. I was merely the happy worker, partner and observer. You gave me so much in our trips, in our home and in my heart. I wonder though what is it all about. Was it too good? Too perfect to last longer than a dozen years. If it was less than that would it have lasted longer. If I was more of what you needed would you have been able to live longer;would you have wanted to? Oh Chris my heart is breaking into smaller pieces every day. Iache for you, I hunger for you; your company, your conversation the easiness we had together. I can't believe our love affair is over; cut short without reason. I miss you. I love you.
Karen
I miss you so much. I am so sorry that I/we/they couldn't fix your GIST. I am so sad that your life was cut short and that you are missing so much (but then I didn't know that you even care about that from wherever you are right now. I miss you, I miss being with you, loving you and most of all being loved by you. You were the most wonderful, caring, generous, funny, sexy,smart, kind, introspective, clever,ingenious man I have ever ever known or could imagine for that matter. My life is so fucking empty without you I can't bear it sometimes. I want you back, impossible. If not then I don't want to be apart of the world. I will just be solitary, alone til I die because you were all I ever wanted. You and life we created. Together of course. You were the architect. I was merely the happy worker, partner and observer. You gave me so much in our trips, in our home and in my heart. I wonder though what is it all about. Was it too good? Too perfect to last longer than a dozen years. If it was less than that would it have lasted longer. If I was more of what you needed would you have been able to live longer;would you have wanted to? Oh Chris my heart is breaking into smaller pieces every day. Iache for you, I hunger for you; your company, your conversation the easiness we had together. I can't believe our love affair is over; cut short without reason. I miss you. I love you.
Karen
Sunday, August 16, 2009
P Town
So I decide to come to Carnival.....it was never really a question, having requested the time off back in January before our trip to Vegas. And now I am here with out Chris.
Got here early, wandered around town with Ashley, who drove to P own with me and is staying for a few days. things look the same, a few shops are missing. We have breakfast at Edgeize. It is good, the food tastes ok. Wander some more....I get the joy of seeing P town through the virgin eyes of Ashley, she of course falls in love with it. We check in . reservation under Chris Wiswall.....She can't find it is that with a "G". The last time I will have to hear Griswald mistaken with Wiswall.I well up when I see the paperwork with Chris' name on it. I desperately look for the date that he made the reservation as if we would somehow connect to each other through that paper work. The tears threaten to overflow onto the VISA receipt. Shall I just charge it to the same credit card? Oh no I cancelled that one because Chris is dead!!!! I want to scream, instead I hand her my Visa. Sign, keys and we travel to the room. I am hoping for a connection from Chris in the room or somewhere. He was very particular about the room at the Provincetown Inn. Only the "Cape Tip" rooms. We have 138. I want badly to see it, it is one of the last things he did for us, getting us a room for our annual trip to Carnival. I tell Ashley I could have changed it to a two bedded room but then the connection would have been lost. So we have a room with a King bed, two doors down from last years' number 140.
The room is at they always are, dated but comfortable.
Ashley wants to go to the beach and I am not opposed. We change and pack some books and head to Race Point. It's "free day"....no charge.
We head to the beach and settle in. The beach is beautifully expansive, the water glimmers and the air is salty warm, not too hot just perfect.
I pull out a humorous book, somehow "awaken form your grief" or "You can live after Loss" didn't seem appropriate. I picked Loretta Larouche's "laugh you may only have a few minutes left". I open it and notice that there is bookmark inside it, from Recovering Hearts, downtown P town. I gasp, I remember buying this book last year when Chris and I were here. I remember thinking how I was so scared so frightened of what might be in my path that this seemed like a good thing to get, Some laughter to ease my fear of Chris not beating his cancer.
I started it last year, but didn't get very far. How bizarre that I would bring it one yer later and not remember that I had bought it here, the bookmark jogging my memory back. I read it on this beach a year ago. I tell Ashley the story.....I start to read the book.....and then I hear it inside my head. I am here, I am here, I am here. It's Chris! I really feel that it is him that he is here. I try to talk back in my head to him, Why here? I do not get an answer I guess it doesn't work that way.....we didn't come here all that often. But I sense something......It feels like a calming of my self, a knowing sort of. I am not sure where he is, if it is in my head which is at Race Point, or if it is only at Race Point. Is this where I have to come to feel you to hear you? It is so far from our home, is it because I am quiet and still here in a way that I am not at home. I know that I will have to come back many times during our stay. I imagine moving to P town so I could come to the beach every day to be near him. Huge tears fall down my cheeks staining the pages of the book.
I want to sob, but I don't want Ashley to see.
Maybe I will hear him again.....we will have to come back.
Got here early, wandered around town with Ashley, who drove to P own with me and is staying for a few days. things look the same, a few shops are missing. We have breakfast at Edgeize. It is good, the food tastes ok. Wander some more....I get the joy of seeing P town through the virgin eyes of Ashley, she of course falls in love with it. We check in . reservation under Chris Wiswall.....She can't find it is that with a "G". The last time I will have to hear Griswald mistaken with Wiswall.I well up when I see the paperwork with Chris' name on it. I desperately look for the date that he made the reservation as if we would somehow connect to each other through that paper work. The tears threaten to overflow onto the VISA receipt. Shall I just charge it to the same credit card? Oh no I cancelled that one because Chris is dead!!!! I want to scream, instead I hand her my Visa. Sign, keys and we travel to the room. I am hoping for a connection from Chris in the room or somewhere. He was very particular about the room at the Provincetown Inn. Only the "Cape Tip" rooms. We have 138. I want badly to see it, it is one of the last things he did for us, getting us a room for our annual trip to Carnival. I tell Ashley I could have changed it to a two bedded room but then the connection would have been lost. So we have a room with a King bed, two doors down from last years' number 140.
The room is at they always are, dated but comfortable.
Ashley wants to go to the beach and I am not opposed. We change and pack some books and head to Race Point. It's "free day"....no charge.
We head to the beach and settle in. The beach is beautifully expansive, the water glimmers and the air is salty warm, not too hot just perfect.
I pull out a humorous book, somehow "awaken form your grief" or "You can live after Loss" didn't seem appropriate. I picked Loretta Larouche's "laugh you may only have a few minutes left". I open it and notice that there is bookmark inside it, from Recovering Hearts, downtown P town. I gasp, I remember buying this book last year when Chris and I were here. I remember thinking how I was so scared so frightened of what might be in my path that this seemed like a good thing to get, Some laughter to ease my fear of Chris not beating his cancer.
I started it last year, but didn't get very far. How bizarre that I would bring it one yer later and not remember that I had bought it here, the bookmark jogging my memory back. I read it on this beach a year ago. I tell Ashley the story.....I start to read the book.....and then I hear it inside my head. I am here, I am here, I am here. It's Chris! I really feel that it is him that he is here. I try to talk back in my head to him, Why here? I do not get an answer I guess it doesn't work that way.....we didn't come here all that often. But I sense something......It feels like a calming of my self, a knowing sort of. I am not sure where he is, if it is in my head which is at Race Point, or if it is only at Race Point. Is this where I have to come to feel you to hear you? It is so far from our home, is it because I am quiet and still here in a way that I am not at home. I know that I will have to come back many times during our stay. I imagine moving to P town so I could come to the beach every day to be near him. Huge tears fall down my cheeks staining the pages of the book.
I want to sob, but I don't want Ashley to see.
Maybe I will hear him again.....we will have to come back.
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