grief on vacation

So it is Wednesday. I put in my planner grief day. This is day I am supposed to do my grief work. I caught up on some blogging this morning, yesterday wrote the letters. So today more excruciating grief work. Touch the pain, feel it cry.
I have been trying but I feel so exposed. I went to the pool for a beak and turned my chair away from every one's I didn't want to make eye contact or engage in idle chat. Just let me be here.

I am starting to feel like I want to go home. Tonight is drag bingo and dinner with Dave. this place is starting to haunt me with memories both old and new. Memories of crossing the parking lot so many times with Chris, now alone. going to breakfast with Chris, now alone. It still doesn't feel real to me, not at all. This can't be permanent! Why am I forced to go on vacation without my husband? Why do I have to be alone and is it obvious to everyone that I am on y own, and a widow?

I don't like looking at the outside of the hotel, it is like an icon of our vacation, our home away from home. Another place that brings me pain. Why isn't he here? I heard him (?) once on the beach, was I imagining it? hallucinating from the sea, salt and sand?