Ice princess.

Group today. Toward the end Stephanie asked me how I was doing. Immediately thought of a picture I had found on Google. I shows a SUV not unlike mine completely encased in ice. Unmovable. That is how I feel. The landscape inside me is frozen, barren hard as the winter ground. It started when it started to sink in that Chris is not coming back. I am losing that feeling of something might happen to change things. The realization seeps into my brain like ice water, filling every crevice and crack in my brain. It is a cold realization, so cold like nothing I have ever felt. It seeps down inside the walls of my body immobilizing me, freezing me. The truth frozen solid, unshakable, unable to be broken. The cold hard facts. Death is cold, reality is often seen as harsh, as in cold harsh light of day. I see it now, for what it is. A barren white tundra represents my future. It is no wonder I crawl into bed every chance I get. My core is frozen with he knowledge that this is it.
I hate the winter. I hate this.

slice me open and while you are at it cut out my heart

I met with the surgeon about my hip and failed injection. He was brusk ( as all orthopds are) and gave me two brochures, one for the resurfacing (which he said wouldn't be a good idea) and a total hip (which recommends) I was told to read the brochures and pick a procedure and to call the scheduler to book it (why don't I do the surgery myself as well?).
I know that ortho's are assholes. But I couldn't have felt less heard or cared for. I left in tears. Cried all the way the home. The thought of this major surgery and rehab is overwhelming. Who will help me? Who will be in the hospital with me? I was with Chris for all of his surgeries, spent every hospital night with him in his room. What do I get? nothing. a nursing home probably. Wonderful.

lisa, lunch and lattes

I met Lisa, one of the young widows from my group. She and I get along very well. I remember the first time I met her during the hospice support group. She mentioned her husband was on Sutnet, my ears perked up that was the drug that had the most therapeutic benefit for Chris. I knew it had other uses, but it was something to actually say it out loud. I felt an affinity with her immediately.
We met half way between our homes (which are 40 minutes apart). She had suggested a Mexican restaurant and we met there. She was little late and we chuckled about that (she was a late attendee to the group by design). We sat down and chatted for a while before ordering. We have an easy rapport and mostly talked about our loss and where we were at. After lunch she suggested a trip oer to Panera for coffee and more conversation. I was glad, it felt so relieving to just be with someone who just "gets it". Even though no two widows experiences are the same, she is certainly closer to understanding and sharing then someone else (like all those people that share that they lost their cat last year so they understand my grief....)

Bed the ultimate reward

It seems like I can't get anything done, unless I reward myself with more supine time on the tempurpedic. Empty the dishwasher- 10 back to bed minutes. Fold the laundry 5 more minutes. Take a shower (yes I have to bribe myself to do this, back to bed in my terry robe to wait til I am dry. I am addicted to the bed the way I was addicted to American Idol. It is the key motivator in my life. I bring my big lap top with me to pay bills and manage my emails and work stuff. I can't sit at the desk anymore, everything is done in bed. I eat all meals in bed, read and watch TV in bed, it is my epicenter. The rest of the house does not appeal to me. I did get up and travel to the back room to watch AI last night partly out of guilt, partly for the bigger picture. Yes I am addicted to my bed. Or is it a prison that I willlingly lock myself into?

MLK day

a day off, but not for me,I scheduled 3 things today. YOGA, a client and therapy.There is a raging snowstorm outside. I stay in bed all morning wondering if YOGA is cancelled (this class was free in honor of MLK). Finally I call. It is on. I dress, coat, boots, scarf and trudge to the car. I am not plowed yet but the 4 WD allows me to drive easily over the bridge to the YOGA place. I forget my water and it is hot YOGA I struggle through it, modifying many of the poses. The mediatation at the end is guided and doesn't make me cry about Chris (no mention of sending light to someone or picturing a loved one). Next up my client, she is depressed (who isn't) and I decide to commiserate with her, instead of offering solutions to her depression, sleep better, move more, take better care of herself. I just let her vent and when she asks for input I tell her I am sorry she is in a tough place.I leave there and go to my therapsit appointment. We talk about my daily actiivities, YOGA, work. I tell her about the intutive and the guilt about spending 400 bucks on a useless reading. I struggle with her suggestion that I should get a cleaning lady to help with the house work I can't do because of my hip. I tell her I will think about it.
When I get home I am suddenly tired, I don't want lunch or anything to drink or snack on.It is 2 o clock in the afternoon. the bed calls me. I lie down and attempt to read. I grow sleepy and decide to give in to the overwhlming fatigue. I sleep until 6:30 and when I wake up I think it is 6:30 in the am.I am disoreintated, for a moment I can't figure out what time it is really, what day it is. The only thing I do know is that I am alonein the bed and that it sucks.

What Do You Want From Me?

Adam's new video What do you Want From Me came out yesterday. In it he wanders around his home going from room to room, he acts upset, depressed. It looks familiar.
Thursday night I did the same, I wanted to write, but couldn't get out of my own way. Couldn't surf, or read, just plunked down in front of the TV. Watched some horrible Lifetime movie. Comatose outside, numb inside. I always turn Chris' chair which is next to the couch around to face the TV. As if his ghost could sit there.I feel so very alone, and yet have so many friends that want to be with me. Just not tonight. the phone which usually rings at least three times a night is eerily silent. The house is completely dark, except for the glow from the 65 inch magnet I am drawn to.
Is TV an excuse? Is it better than just sitting alone in a dark house. I am not really watching the movie I might as well have the TV off. But my "always must be productive personality" prevents that I guess.
What am I supposed to be doing? What do you want from me? Move on? Pretend my marriage never happened, so I don't have grieve that my wonderful life is over? Don't be angry that I don't deserve a modicum of contentment in this life? What am I supposed to do now? Live a life? It seems so useless, work home sleep, work home sleep, I hardly do anything else. Of course 60 hours a week doesn't leave much else. Still there are unharvested hours. 8 to 10 every night. 6 to 7:30 every morning. All day Sunday. Maybe that's something to work on, not working so much. An oxy moron.
Maybe I will just wear out and stop like a robot with a dead battery, like a wife with a dead heart.

Medical Intuitive

I consulted with a medical intuitive, at Laurie's (my friend who is Yoga/alternative guru)insistence. She called Dr.Schultz (yes she is a real MD who worked with Oprah and Dr. Oz) and handed me the phone.I was intrigued and am so desperate to get rid of the physical pain (so I can concentrate on the psychic pain???).
I had my consultation last night. She began by saying that my physical maladies were related to all the care physical, emotional and psychological, that I had poured into Chris. My hips hurt because they buckled under the burden of the cancer caring. She talked about choices I had made with respect to my relationships. ( My last three romantic relationships involved men that experienced cancer- Max's dad has prostate cancer (in remission), the man I was with before Chris, died from pancreatic cancer and Chris. I joked that I was like the black widow, fall in love with me and die.....she said that because of my chaotic childhood that I was likely and intuitive and that sensing somehow that these men would need care, I hook up with them. Even before they are aware of anything. (Boy that match.com is amazing.) Not sure if I buy this,however I have wondered why the last three big relationships in my life ended with cancer. I figured anyone stupid enough to fall in love with me would die from trying to penetrate my cold hard cancer (astrological sign----coincidence?) heart.
Something to think about. She told me to stop reading my grief books and to start working on my intuitive powers. (I know what you are thinking right now......what alot of bunk.....see I am intuitive!!)
She also recommended glucosime (duh) and Sam e. And she said I would probably need hip surgery. Okie dokie thanks !

AI Season 9

Another season of American Idol tonight. ~sigh~
It was a welcome diversion (as it was always was for Chris and I). Winter, holidays over, something to get us through. And how how it got me through the dark days of April and May. there would never be another Adam, though, so why watch? What else to do? I would just watch Lifetime Movie Network or channel surf, why not allow my self another AI? After all Donna watches it and we used to chat about it, it was a nice connection. She was the one who actually started Chris and I wathcing it, she has watched all 9 seasons(and is a devout ---hard swallow---Claymate).
I called Donna, before the show. She was out to dinner with the "JC Penney girls".
She would be home in time, but cut our conversation short when she arrived home. She did tell me that she and Darryl (Jennifer's widower) and the girls had lunch Sunday, Darryl was sad (belying his "I'll be just fine" on Jenn's funeral day). He yelled at the kids at the restaurant because they were acting up. Donna wishes the kids would behave but I think it is a good sign that they are acting up, acting normal.
Anyway I missed the connection with her, and plan to call her again.
I settle in on the couch. No candles lit just me and Aurora on the couch.
I start watching a half hour later using the DVR to buzz through the commericals. It felt weird, watching it without Chris. For the last few years (since we stopped wathcing Survivor), this was our show, that we actually watched together. Maybe it was the music, or just the comic relief. But he is not here. I turn his chair around so it faces the TV. I pretend that he says "This is American Idol" with Ryan. It doesn't work. I am profoundly sad but cannot cry. I watch the show, I thought someone (Sharon? Donna?) would call me......no one does. One guy from Boston who kicked cancer sings Feeling Good (when Adam sang it I thought it was a message that Chris was happy and in a better place. Adam sang from a pink stairway--Chris' mom's favorite anti cancer color---another Chris link). Is it weird that the cancer survivor is singing the Adam Cancer song?
Is it a sign? Can I watch tomorrow night?

Sad Sunday

I spent today working on my RFR. It kept me distracted, but my hip pain kept focused on the fact that nothing seems to be helping. 5 days after the cortisone injection no relief.I start crying at my desk, exhausted from the pain and just tired of it all. Tired of working so much, tired of limping around and hurting everytime I move, tired of the oneness of this widowed life. I have no one to share this with. I cared for Chris for years and now I am left alone to face whatever....surgery, more pain and an uncertain future. I don't feel like I want to die, that feeling is less and less, it just so overwhelming to be totally on my own for the first time in 30 years.
I concede to the pain and take 2 percocets. It makes me tired (usually it has no effect) I decide to lie down. I have to call Lindsey first, I was to join the Shrayers et all to watch the sinking Patriots. I call, Kevin answers, I beg off, he understands. I sink into bed......exhausted, it is 1 pm, the day is sunny. I close the shutters that Chris put in for me; to finish the Caribbean themed bedroom. I remember the day he finished them (they were a lot of trouble to install, he had to customize them... and spent so much time getting them right). I had wanted them for so long, I hate curtains and blinds and we had none in the house, but something was needed in the bedroom to cut the light and spare the boatyard across the street from any peep shows while we were dressing.
The day he finished them*
I remember it longingly and start to cry, from the memories, from the pain.....the physical pain and the emotional pain co mingle. They mirror each other, like an infinity mirror. It is impossible to see which one is the beginning. Which one is the catalyst for the other. They reflect each other and intensify each other. back and forth back and forth, hip, head, heart, hip, head, heart, throbbing hurting aching and screaming for attention.
I fall into bed, and pass out quickly, I must have been so overwhelmed it is as if my mind just shuts down, like the kill switch on a computer.
Two and a half hours later I wake up. It is almost 4 PM. The waning sunlight strains through the shutters. I cannot believe I slept this long. Aurora was with me the whole time snoring and radiating heat.
I am not sure what to do, check the Pats score? Call someone? I am slightly disorientated. i wish I was disoriented enough to think that my life was back, some widows have that I don't. The awake and they forget that their husband is dead just for a few moments in the morning. How delicious that would be, just to have a few fractions of a minute of relief, even delusional relief. But I am not granted this. I struggle out of bed and head to the back room, Chris' media room. I have simply moved from bed to couch. I watch mindless TV. LifeTime of course. The channel for those with no life. I sit there for hours in a stupor, watching a movie I had saved on the DVR. It is crap. But there is nothing else right now.Tthe movie ends and I limp back to bed. I can't believe that I can fall asleep again, but do. Unable to face the rest of the day, but not wanting the next one to begin.
I am exhausted from doing nothing but fighting the throbbing hip and aching heart. It is like a full time job. n top of my already overflowing schedule. But this is like spilled coffee on a calendar. It seeps into every unused space and fills it up. It surrounds the scheduled time and seeps into other commitments. COloring them with the darkness of of the reality. It is everywhere inescapbale. It spreads from the workday into the night over to the weekend and into the to do list. There is no space anywhere in the day that it cannot reach. No wonder i like to sleep, I never put that in my calendar, maybe that's where I can hide from the river of sorrow.

sleepwalker

If anyone ever wonders why Adam's voice calms me, centers me and makes be capable
of breathing they should just listen to this song.
I didn't like it all at first the opening is too "Moby". The lyrics and Adam in is his low register, make me able to to just live another day. I wish Chris had heard


I saw a picture of you......I carry it everywhere
Hanging in an empty hallway
I heard a voice that I knew.............The video at Christmas
And I couldn't walk away
It took me back to the end ..........when you died
Of everything
I taste it all I taste it all
The tears again...............the tears never stop.


Outside the rain's fallin' down..........just like I told Stephanie, if I start I will never stop........
There's not a drop that hits me.........all the tears are outside the therapist office, non of themhit me but i can see them......
Scream at the sky but no sound.........I scream for you all the time in the drk, cold house, you never answer
Is leavin' my lips
It's like I can't even feel
After the way you touched me
I'm not asleep but I'm not awake
After the way you loved me
Chris I will never be the same after you loved me because you did it so perfectly. I am not asleep, but I am not awake. I am not dead but I am not alive after you died


I can't turn this around....... I can't change that you are dead
I keep running into walls that I can't break down...........running into walls, losing thigs, running red lights.....
I said I just wander around........all night long
With my eyes wide shut because of you
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker

Let me out of this dream ............I think they call it a nightmare

Everywhere that I go
I see another memory...............uh huh every room in the house
And all the places we used to know..........cruises, P town, NYC
They're always there to haunt me
I walk around and I feel so lost and lonely
You're everything that I want
But you don't want me

I can't turn this around
I keep running into walls that I can't break down
I said I just wander around
With my eyes wide shut because of you
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker

Let me out of this dream, dream
Let me out of this dream

I can't turn this around
I keep running into walls that I can't break down
I said I just wander around
With my eyes wide shut because of you
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker
I'm a sleepwalker walker walker

Let me out of this dream

I am so drunk....and it is only 5:21

I skipped the gym and came home, to check some email replies from the flurry of grant related emails I sent out yesterday. Got one from Andrea and Donna( my financial planner) which triggered me to check to see how all the big transfers went. I of course have to get out the secret password book to get access to ETRADE. I noticed an AOL account of Chris' that I never noticed before. Was that tied to his netscape, gmail account? Not sure. check the Fidelity and log on to the AOL account. It is still active. There are 3500 emails recent up today. I go to the sent folder there are almost 3000 emails sent by Chris .....to me, to Lindsey to Gail, to Lynne and many others. Many around my birthday party, thanks yous to folks for coming to his party (oh so David Goudreau gave him the Klaus Nomi DVD!!!)
I read for an hour, it was like hearing his voice, his personality and humor and just him came through. Wasn't it only 2 days ago I was crying in bed saying send me an email, and now I have thousands to read.
Energy? Chris?
It is so heady to read them (hence the "drunkenness"). It is like found treasure, a winning lottery ticket,or as Adam says "if I had you life would be a party it would be ecsacy"

Big Blogger

Last Sunday's entry was "picked" up by My employer's meta crawling computer that searches for all mentions of BH (I don't dare type it here AGAIN!) It is a hospital in the town I live in.
Well the HR director read the blog and called my boss' boss to see if I was ok. She in turn called my boss to see if I was suicidal (why did Adam Lambert retire??)Well he was concerned enough to read the blog......long story short I got a little creeped out....my writing is a no holds barred, take no prisoners style (but then you knew that)
I decided that since I didn't want those in charge of my paychecks read the mad ventings of a grief stricken widow (did you catch the entry where I set myself on fire in front of HES??) and I don't want to edit my self or my feelings. So I have now changed it to invite only.
and aren't you lucky?
That said if you are reading this you have been invited....so congratulations!
The rest of you will have to wait until I am on the NY Times Best Seller List.

January 3rd

January 3rd.
worked all day at the Big House (Beverly Hospital). I cried the whole
way to work in the car. It was snowing and blowing and driving
conditions were hellish. I felt cold, wet (from brushing off my car)
and alone. It was so white it was like being in a snow globe, nothing
but snow swirling around me. I could only drive about 10 miles an
hour.....no matter, I am the only one on the road. Still feeling sorry
for myself, I am sobbing and driving with no visibility from either
side of the windshield ; on the outside because of the snow and on
the inside because of the tears flowing from my eyes. Pathetic. How
can I go to work like this? I want to turn around so bad. Turn around
and go home and do what? Cry? Anesthetizes my self as soon as it is the
cocktail hour? What? I inch along crying and crying. No thoughts just
tears. I turn on the CD player (Adam is in it of course).
If I had you is playing.

So I got my boots on, (SNOW BOOTS)
got the right amount of leather (just the gloves.....)
And I'm doing me up with a black colour liner (no make up for me---no
energy to even shower today)
And I'm working my strut but I know it don't matter (more like a limp
with the arthritic hip)
All we need in this world is some love (I need love but my love is dead...)
There's a thin line between the dark side and the light side baby
(there's a thin line between my depression and my desire to
die)
It's a struggle gotta rumble tryin' to find it (You got that part
right,Adam, this is a struggle of gargantuan proportions)

But if I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need (Chris Chris Chris)
Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete
(Chris I promise I will quit all my jobs like you wanted me too..)
If I had you, life would be a party it'd be ecstasy (and this pain
would be gone....)
Yeah if I had you
The song is up beat but the lyrics make me cry. If only I could have
Chris, why was he taken, what the fuck did I do in this life or a
previous life to deserve this hell? What am I atoning for?

I am driving so slowly now 2 cars pass me. I can't see,I pull over, at
this rate I won't make it to work until lunch time. I try to get myself
together.I take a swig of some half frozen orange soda left in the car
from a home visit last week. Pathetic.

Back on the road, the next song is : Pick you up

Jumpin’ out the window (Wouldn't I Love TO??)
Movin’ on, groovin’ on
Which way will the wind blow? (Oh it is blowing all around me and it is Frightening)
We can’t be wrong, so say ’solong’ (were we wrong to think we could beat this cancer and now we have to say so long to our life?)
I’mma pick you up, I’mma pick you up (Oh Adam you always do but you better
What’re you tryin’ to say to me?
Catch the train out to what you’re tryin’ to do
Are you gonna play with me?

All my life, I’ve been waiting (all my life I waited for someone like you, Chris)
Pass my time, procrastinating now (wasn't interested in any one or getting serious)
It’s a trip on a flip (life with you was a trip like I had never even imagined)
And flash right through the scene
Can’t you see what I mean?

Breaking through the boundaries (of my life with you??)
Rollin’ on, strollin’ on (trying just to get by..)
They won’t ever find me (if I ever end up getting that gun...)
And after all, we’ll have a ball (yes Chris, you and did have a ball, but now Cinderella is it ver)
I’mma pick you up, I’mma pick u up (I know I will get through this I just don't know why I care)
We’re gonna see where we can go (we had so many places to go..)
This is how I live, this is what I give I love alone, I give so much every day...)
And you’re the one I want to know (CHRIS!!!)

Tiny minded two-tone suckers (Stop asking me how I am, if you knew mw you would know)
Same old faces make me shudder (I need to get outta her)
Countless times I’ve screamed ‘oh brother!’ (I have screamed oh CHRIS)
Where are you? I need someone to be my lover (SO OBVIOUS!)


Crying crying crying,,,,,, this whole song is so up and down, the end is a searing vocal that goes on and on not his highest but one of those endless Adam things, and then he laughs.....I am crying and he is laughing and he makes me chuckle, just in time I pull into the parking lot.....

January 2nd Plowing all night

I can't sleep, not sure if it is the plows scraping the pavement or my tears scraping my cheeks. I am cryng and begging/praying. I just want one more night with you, one more conversation. please please please. It hurts so much I am crying so much. and then it hits me today is Janaury 2nd, he died on April 2nd, 9 months ago. I am having a reaction to the date perhaps? I can't belive I am so stupid to have not recognized this, I caution my clients all the time about these kinds of things.
That knowledge doesn't make it any easier. I still want what I want.
As Trent says "I only want what I can never have".

January 2nd Winter Wonderment

It is snowing has been all day. I worked all day at the hospital. after work i visited my ex brother in law John. I made him beef stroganoff and we (and Max) exchanged Christmas gifts. I wanted it this way instead of quick drop and grab. I haven't seen him in awhile, he is handicapped and home bound. It was good to see him and just not be so rushed.
When we got home it was nearly bed time, I got ready for bed and pulled back the covers. It occurred to me as I sank into the Tempurpedic how everything in the bedroom was picked out by Chris, that extrapolated to the house. I mentally walked through the house, picturing each room, every piece of furniture, every lamp, every picture. There is nothing here of my former life before Chris. Not a lamp, a piece of art, an end table, bed or chair. All the furniture was either his or something we bought as a couple. The living room, all his from Framingham apartment. The bedroom, bought together at Workbench, the media room, bought in Cambridge, the kitchen, all Ikea. Max's two bedrooms all new. Even the walls of my house,formerly paneled, now wall boarded. All the windows and doors are new replaced by hand by Chris. Every light fixture, every light switch, all the plumbing it was as if the the house was changed from the inside, from the two by fours to the furniture.
Was that why he was in my life, to change what I couldn't? I start to cry,I want to ask him.I rollover onto the painful hip, I think I feel him which makes me cry more. Is he here in bed with me? Why can't I know for sure? I ask him are you here? I think/hear/imagine he says yes. How can I be sure? I need a sign. The signs are all around you he says.I need something BIG; send me an email!!! It doesn't work like that he says it is energy...I am energy. I am sobbing now, is this real? am I hallucinating, or making this up, do I want it so bad that it is a figment of my imagination?
Was Adam on the radio you(the most recent "sign" I can think of) Is it the snow?
What. Just pay attention, I imagine/hear. But I want you really hear,I need to talk to you. I don't want to be alone, I am frightened to be on my own, I make bad decisions and need you to guide me......crying very badly now, no answer.
Did I scare him away, are the tears too much negative energy, is he helpless to make me feel better so he abandons me?
I wish I want to understand this. But I can't. All I can do is wail right now and feel sorry for myself.

New Years Day

I wake up late despite not drinking or staying up late. Aurora too is sleeping in.I have planned to do a YOGA class with a friend in an hour as well as start a diet with yet another friend (this is why I have minions).
I make some coffee and go off to the YOGA class.It is hot-95 degrees, it was not advertised as Birkhram YOGA but it is hot I and not sure about it, It is hard to breathe,I feel shaky. Bev (my friend) seems ok. It is a tough class. I have to modify many things because I am so out of shape but mostly for the arthritic hip. I actually make it through the entire class, and am grateful to make it to the end.
I noticed a woman from my support group is there. She is standing next to some uber yoga guy that she seems to know, He is shirtless and ripped;he can do hand stands and head stands and I think he is a show off (but I if could do those things I would be doing them just as he is).
I manage to make it to the end. There is a mediation piece. We are to thnk of someone we love. Of course Chris comes to mind. I see his face,I start to cry. Now picture a sun warm and glowing, Chris on the deck, Chris and I in the Caribbean, Chris and I in P town, so many suns. stay focused on the sun she says, I can't all I can see is Chris. Now picture the moon, the coolness around it. Aw no pictures of Chris come to mind. the tears slow. Thank god everyone's eyes are closed. Even if somone peeked, my tears could be mistaken for sweat in this overheated room that is now my meditative hell. Keep focusing on the moon, all I can focus on is getting out of here and getting home to shower......
I really try to avoid the group member I know after the class I wait for her to put her stuff away, I turn to the wall. She looks like she comes here alot (she has the good YOGA clothes(I have my Wentworth Hockey T shirt on---not exactly LuLu Lemon.
I manage to escape seeing her (what am I afraid of, that this is her YOGA place and I will be banished because we are in therapy together?. she exits the studio, and I go to get my coat, she is of course in the coat room, I go to the bathroom and wait until I think she has had enough time to get her coat ect. I leave the bathroom and of course walk right into her.She is gracious and hugs me so unexpected...what are the rules here? Is it ok to acknowledge? what if my friend asks who she is? She asks me if I was here the whole time (in class) I say yes but wasn't sure if it was her at first. I was in the back (where the newbies try to hide). She introduces me to uber yoga guy, it is her brother in law. She says that she looks forward to seeing me tomorrow! WE don't have group tomorrow. (it's in PDA as 1/9/10). I am horrified that I am scheduled to work. I had checked and double checked to make sure it was an "off Saturday" I am pissed that I screwed this up. I can't get out of working, I feel stupid and foolish. She doesn't seem to think it is a big deal to miss, and tells me she will tell everyone. I will email the therapist, but still I feel like an idiot, another stupid mistake, along with lost car keys, lost check book, what is happening. Am I losing it again? I have to spend the day writing a grant, should I even bother,I can't seem to get it together mentally at all sometimes.
I have lost the serenity from the class. What was warm and peaceful has turned into cold and clammy. I just want to go home and see how I made this mistake.