today is another cement day....feel heavy, can't do anything, only getting out of bed for bathroom trips and fluids. So much around me to do, the dust bunny/dog hair tufts are starting to gain in size and movement. The garden could use some attention .................nothing matters.
Blog Eat Exercise.
Guess all I can do is blog.
Overwhelming tears today with the thoughts of never seeing or talking to Chris again. I looked at my watch and remembered how we disagreed on where to wear a watch. Above the wrist bump (Chris) r below (me). My mind instantly brought up a crystal high definition picture of his arm, slightly tanned with his freckles, moles and hair so clear so real. His watch was just below his "computer hands" The hands that I loved the hands that and built me a kitchen, the hands that tenderly strokes my face, the ands that could fix anything. the tears rolled down my face but his hands are not here to wipe them away.
The cold realization that he never would be here for me ever again shot through me, pouring ice into my veins. I felt so cold, alone and so just wanting to die.
Sunday, May 31, 2009
Saturday, May 30, 2009
Close to 2 months
Day 56
Woke had a dream last night the second onei have had since Chris left......(left where did that come from?) Of course I told myself to writ it down, of course I didn't something about party planning gone wrong and people with Adam Lambert hair. Next time i will write it down.
I must have had the dream because I spent 5 count them 5 hours last night onn the sofa watching the end of Birdcage ( for the third time) then some Life time movie then Blades of Glory, nothing satisfied, I felt heavy depressed and even googled suicide (how to make it look like an accidnet---weird sites). I finally gave in and watched the Lord Scream Nova perform. It lefied my depression enouh so that I could get up off the couch and go to bed. I left the computer off and drifted to sleep.
Slept til 7 AM a first since Chris' dying woke me up.
I had group today, I was spacing out and in one of my trips out of the group I was thinking .....did I meet marry and fall in love with chris just so I could help him die? Was that why I came inot his life? Is that why he put up with me. loved me? He often said so that he loved me and that he thanked god 9who he did't believe in., rmemeber? for me that he could n't go through all what he had withut me....then i thought i helped him die, and he helped me live....he took an afraid to travel gal and put her on cruise ships and airplanes! He tore her house apart and made it a palace, he made love to her like he meant it, created children, out of love.
Woke had a dream last night the second onei have had since Chris left......(left where did that come from?) Of course I told myself to writ it down, of course I didn't something about party planning gone wrong and people with Adam Lambert hair. Next time i will write it down.
I must have had the dream because I spent 5 count them 5 hours last night onn the sofa watching the end of Birdcage ( for the third time) then some Life time movie then Blades of Glory, nothing satisfied, I felt heavy depressed and even googled suicide (how to make it look like an accidnet---weird sites). I finally gave in and watched the Lord Scream Nova perform. It lefied my depression enouh so that I could get up off the couch and go to bed. I left the computer off and drifted to sleep.
Slept til 7 AM a first since Chris' dying woke me up.
I had group today, I was spacing out and in one of my trips out of the group I was thinking .....did I meet marry and fall in love with chris just so I could help him die? Was that why I came inot his life? Is that why he put up with me. loved me? He often said so that he loved me and that he thanked god 9who he did't believe in., rmemeber? for me that he could n't go through all what he had withut me....then i thought i helped him die, and he helped me live....he took an afraid to travel gal and put her on cruise ships and airplanes! He tore her house apart and made it a palace, he made love to her like he meant it, created children, out of love.
Friday, May 29, 2009
Desolate
5-29 dream tea cups and chatting online with chris to fix things
mute can't write or talk
crying on the way home desolation
mute can't write or talk
crying on the way home desolation
Wednesday, May 27, 2009
Hospice therapy
day 53
first meeting with Kelli ......even though Chris wass not a patient at the Kaplan House, he wsa a Hopsice patient so going there was painful. Sitting in the lobby, watchcing families come and go visitng family members who are dying. They have no idea of the pain they will feel when their loved one dies, I muse. I feel sorry for them knowing what is in their future. I wish i could spare them, but who would have spared me?
Kelli is nice, about my age ( I was happy.....if she was very young I think it would have been hard for me).
I am very teary as I fill her in on the details of Chris' illness and death. She does alot of talking which I needed. What stood out the most was that I have to figure out how to forge a new relationship with Chris. I turn that over in my mind several times. I like the feel of that. He is not gone, I can still have a relationship with him. I just have to figure it out. What will it look like,how will it feel, will it be enough?
first meeting with Kelli ......even though Chris wass not a patient at the Kaplan House, he wsa a Hopsice patient so going there was painful. Sitting in the lobby, watchcing families come and go visitng family members who are dying. They have no idea of the pain they will feel when their loved one dies, I muse. I feel sorry for them knowing what is in their future. I wish i could spare them, but who would have spared me?
Kelli is nice, about my age ( I was happy.....if she was very young I think it would have been hard for me).
I am very teary as I fill her in on the details of Chris' illness and death. She does alot of talking which I needed. What stood out the most was that I have to figure out how to forge a new relationship with Chris. I turn that over in my mind several times. I like the feel of that. He is not gone, I can still have a relationship with him. I just have to figure it out. What will it look like,how will it feel, will it be enough?
Monday, May 25, 2009
day 53
does Chris know he is dead? is he out there somewhere? does he know I am heartbroken, life shattered and inconsolable? how could he?if he doesn't am I only crying for myself? am I selfish to cry because I am alone?
Sunday, May 24, 2009
from the beginning on or about March 31- April 1
Trying to have this be in or the beginningsome semblance of order feel like i need to start from the beginning of the end.
He cam home, ( go to Caring Bridge for THAT)
By Monday when the POA lady came he was week sleepy barely could sign the POA's that I didn't need anyway. I felt bad then, like I was making him do tis stupid thing when he had days left. What was I thinking. I cam across the POA's yesterday which is why they must be so effervescent right now. What a shame to wast an hour on that. the signiture looks better than any recent choken scratch ---he had the worst handwriting ( see password book for proof).
Feet swollen, droopy eyes, by wenesday it was scary. I vascilliated between wanting to lay with him and being in the back room crying
* Andrea and Karen (the nurse told me to call Donna
* Andrea nad MJ in the drive way talking
* Andrea telling me that it could be tonught
*disbelief shock, too late oh no absolutley helpless but feel pangs that I should have done something should I still do something recind the DNR (which is still on my night stand almost 2 months later) mostly robotic .
Sisters came tuesday night he was very sleepy very tired.
Max came wensday we (the 3 of us) were in the bedroom Max spoke to me whith Chris present about how much he appreciated having Chris in his life.
Andrea Lindsey to spend the night.
Poopsicle most have been tuesday o Wenesday Nurse says stop all meds he can't sallo really too sleepy give popsicle. He was on edge of bed I was holding posicle and crying Chris said O come on like why was I crying. It was so hard I was so scrared I didn;t know what was happeneing and yet I did I just could't beleive it. I had fleeting thoughts O f wanting it to be over followed by horrifiction that what was i thinking dead is forver....if it is overr he is gone keep him here.....remember my client Donna on hospice still saying : i am hoping for a miracle---thinking how far out that was....and yet I wasn't thinking the same thing, I was just not able to fulling lean into his dying. Even now It pains me to write that.
He had once gotten up to go to the bathroom, even though Karen said that he wd not need to . Getting him off the toliet was monumental. He in his I know this will make things easier if yoou do it my way voice. Asked me to remove the buddha and glass chunk for the sill (the y are still not back nor will they nbe---his hand touched ther) so he could use it to pull him self up. He managed to do it with great diffiuclty, this 6 fot 3 man so weak, yet so elegant in his nakedness using everry ounce of strength just to stand. the tears were stinging my eyes just as they are now as I write and remember.He pulled him self up as if in slow motion so gracefull so deliberate so enginneered. We made it to the bed at last (because I let him do it himseld)
I wish he could have been more awake. I asked him what he was thinking about all this once we got to the bed a mere 8 feet away.
He said it was just shit luck------In my head I am screaming terminal cancer is just bad luck??????????
I started to cry some more but he was slowly loising awareness or was just tired or who knows. I helped him lay back down coerred him up and wathced him sleep or whatever it was that he was doing.
He cam home, ( go to Caring Bridge for THAT)
By Monday when the POA lady came he was week sleepy barely could sign the POA's that I didn't need anyway. I felt bad then, like I was making him do tis stupid thing when he had days left. What was I thinking. I cam across the POA's yesterday which is why they must be so effervescent right now. What a shame to wast an hour on that. the signiture looks better than any recent choken scratch ---he had the worst handwriting ( see password book for proof).
Feet swollen, droopy eyes, by wenesday it was scary. I vascilliated between wanting to lay with him and being in the back room crying
* Andrea and Karen (the nurse told me to call Donna
* Andrea nad MJ in the drive way talking
* Andrea telling me that it could be tonught
*disbelief shock, too late oh no absolutley helpless but feel pangs that I should have done something should I still do something recind the DNR (which is still on my night stand almost 2 months later) mostly robotic .
Sisters came tuesday night he was very sleepy very tired.
Max came wensday we (the 3 of us) were in the bedroom Max spoke to me whith Chris present about how much he appreciated having Chris in his life.
Andrea Lindsey to spend the night.
Poopsicle most have been tuesday o Wenesday Nurse says stop all meds he can't sallo really too sleepy give popsicle. He was on edge of bed I was holding posicle and crying Chris said O come on like why was I crying. It was so hard I was so scrared I didn;t know what was happeneing and yet I did I just could't beleive it. I had fleeting thoughts O f wanting it to be over followed by horrifiction that what was i thinking dead is forver....if it is overr he is gone keep him here.....remember my client Donna on hospice still saying : i am hoping for a miracle---thinking how far out that was....and yet I wasn't thinking the same thing, I was just not able to fulling lean into his dying. Even now It pains me to write that.
He had once gotten up to go to the bathroom, even though Karen said that he wd not need to . Getting him off the toliet was monumental. He in his I know this will make things easier if yoou do it my way voice. Asked me to remove the buddha and glass chunk for the sill (the y are still not back nor will they nbe---his hand touched ther) so he could use it to pull him self up. He managed to do it with great diffiuclty, this 6 fot 3 man so weak, yet so elegant in his nakedness using everry ounce of strength just to stand. the tears were stinging my eyes just as they are now as I write and remember.He pulled him self up as if in slow motion so gracefull so deliberate so enginneered. We made it to the bed at last (because I let him do it himseld)
I wish he could have been more awake. I asked him what he was thinking about all this once we got to the bed a mere 8 feet away.
He said it was just shit luck------In my head I am screaming terminal cancer is just bad luck??????????
I started to cry some more but he was slowly loising awareness or was just tired or who knows. I helped him lay back down coerred him up and wathced him sleep or whatever it was that he was doing.
Thursday, May 21, 2009
the 49th day
on this day according to the Tibetan Book of living and dying; after mindfully not mourning you loved one you can help them to their new life by meditating and sending them with good karma. Today was a Thursday and I had spent the previous day, Wednesday in bed, vomiting, dry heaving and trying not to go mad from the pain of my first migraine. Tuesday was the idol finale part one. Adam sang 3 song: A change is going to come, mad world and no boundaries........
It's been to hard living, but I am afraid to die, I don't know what's up there beyond the sky.....
Is Chris up there? where is he.He must still be hereon the 49Th day, I help to release him the best I can. I meditate from 5:38 to 6 AM. I feel nothing , no change,no movement. I get up and start the day.
I have thoughts or an awareness of being alone, of Chris not being here and the thought that that is a permanent thing, suddenly that thought collides with the feeling/knowing/realization of the horror of that thought. It blows through me like an icy wind in February and stops all thought, all conscious movement, everything but my breath; each inhale met with wracking sobs. I try to catch myself from the tumble pulled by a grief stronger than gravity. I fall down down the well of utter despair....desperately trying to stop myself and I do before I reach the bottom.
What is the bottom, why am I so afraid to totally drop down into it?
It's been to hard living, but I am afraid to die, I don't know what's up there beyond the sky.....
Is Chris up there? where is he.He must still be hereon the 49Th day, I help to release him the best I can. I meditate from 5:38 to 6 AM. I feel nothing , no change,no movement. I get up and start the day.
I have thoughts or an awareness of being alone, of Chris not being here and the thought that that is a permanent thing, suddenly that thought collides with the feeling/knowing/realization of the horror of that thought. It blows through me like an icy wind in February and stops all thought, all conscious movement, everything but my breath; each inhale met with wracking sobs. I try to catch myself from the tumble pulled by a grief stronger than gravity. I fall down down the well of utter despair....desperately trying to stop myself and I do before I reach the bottom.
What is the bottom, why am I so afraid to totally drop down into it?
Monday, May 11, 2009
Crying
Adam finally does an Aerosmith song. My sister wanted something else.
Not my favorite....but very very approrpiate.
Not my favorite....but very very approrpiate.
One
Adam has to sing a Simon Cowell pick. He picks Bono's "One".
I barely remember the song, although it does make an appearance on the googled "angry rock and roll songs".
Is it getting better? NO!
Or do you feel the same? YES!
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame ......WHO? Dana Farber? Dr. Morgan? Me?
Who is to blame for this tragedy and subsequent emotional devastation? The cancer? A world where cancer exists. A world that we polluted to create cancer opportunities. Who is blame? I wish I knew, because not only would I blame I would attack, expose and ruin.
One love One life
Chris and I had one amazing love and life together. That could even be a whole separate book. It was amazing that we found each other and were so so compatible and perfect, we fit together like lego pieces.......together we built a relationship that was envied by all who witnessed it.
He was the on love of my life there will never be another, despite what all the therapists and support group leaders say about rebuilding and plan b and hope for the future I have none, I want none.
When it's one need In the night
Every night before we fell asleep Chris would lean over and kiss me goodnight. It was a nightly ritual that is so huge in it's absence. I still kiss his pillow every night, hoping that it will help me sleep
it never does......
One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don't care for it
did I not care enough about the seriousness of the cancer to get him to Florida faster, should we have gone to Hippocrates sooner, like 3 years ago? Was I a afraid that I would not be able to sustain such rigorous dietary changes?
Did I disappoint you?
By not figuring out a way to beat GIST? or did I disappoint you by not living a better way? The work, the alcohol, the food, the fixations, the multitasking. Were they all part of how disappointed you were in me. Is that how the cancer got a foothold in your liver? Were you just to disappointed to fight any harder?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without.
Now that your gone I am without love, without the total acceptance I once had with you. Without someone who cares what time I get home, if I ate diner what kind of day I had.
Too late Tonight To drag the past out into the light
What does all this mental anguish get me? I can't bring him back, not only is he dead, but cremated, which makes reanimation out of the question. I sometimes regret the cremation for just that reason.There is nothing of him left except for the lock of hair Lindsey cut for me minutes after he died.
We're one, but we're not the same
We are still one in my heart, but we are not the same. I am here and you are.....? where?I get the sense you won't tell me because you know I might come after you.
We get to Carry each other Carry each other One
Are you carrying me? Are you influencing song choices on AI? Are you making sure the TV works so I can live from week to week, waiting for the final outcome of AI when Adam will surely be crowned Season 8 great.
How do I get to carry you? Carry on with out you? Is that enough? Is that how it is supposed to work? Is it? I ma to carry one with your memory in my head and your picture around my neck. That's all I get and yet it feels even to heavy to carry just that.
Did I ask too much? More than a lot.
Was it too much to ask for us to live til we were old? That we live til we retire?
That I get one more year. month week, day, hour with you?
You gave me nothing,
nothing but love
Now it's all I got
the memory of love
You say Love is a temple Love a higher law
So someone told me that Love never dies, now that you are dead, that's all I have the memory of your love, because I sure don't feel anything in the here and now.
And I can't be holding on To what you got When all you got is hurt
And when I think of the way you loved me it hurts too much because it is gone. All it does is hurt. I sometimes imagine that Chris never happened, that I woke up in my house and it was transformed. That way I don't have to feel in memory the splendorthat was us.
I barely remember the song, although it does make an appearance on the googled "angry rock and roll songs".
Is it getting better? NO!
Or do you feel the same? YES!
Will it make it easier on you now?
You got someone to blame ......WHO? Dana Farber? Dr. Morgan? Me?
Who is to blame for this tragedy and subsequent emotional devastation? The cancer? A world where cancer exists. A world that we polluted to create cancer opportunities. Who is blame? I wish I knew, because not only would I blame I would attack, expose and ruin.
One love One life
Chris and I had one amazing love and life together. That could even be a whole separate book. It was amazing that we found each other and were so so compatible and perfect, we fit together like lego pieces.......together we built a relationship that was envied by all who witnessed it.
He was the on love of my life there will never be another, despite what all the therapists and support group leaders say about rebuilding and plan b and hope for the future I have none, I want none.
When it's one need In the night
Every night before we fell asleep Chris would lean over and kiss me goodnight. It was a nightly ritual that is so huge in it's absence. I still kiss his pillow every night, hoping that it will help me sleep
it never does......
One love We get to share it Leaves you baby if you Don't care for it
did I not care enough about the seriousness of the cancer to get him to Florida faster, should we have gone to Hippocrates sooner, like 3 years ago? Was I a afraid that I would not be able to sustain such rigorous dietary changes?
Did I disappoint you?
By not figuring out a way to beat GIST? or did I disappoint you by not living a better way? The work, the alcohol, the food, the fixations, the multitasking. Were they all part of how disappointed you were in me. Is that how the cancer got a foothold in your liver? Were you just to disappointed to fight any harder?
Or leave a bad taste in your mouth? You act like you never had love
And you want me to go without.
Now that your gone I am without love, without the total acceptance I once had with you. Without someone who cares what time I get home, if I ate diner what kind of day I had.
Too late Tonight To drag the past out into the light
What does all this mental anguish get me? I can't bring him back, not only is he dead, but cremated, which makes reanimation out of the question. I sometimes regret the cremation for just that reason.There is nothing of him left except for the lock of hair Lindsey cut for me minutes after he died.
We're one, but we're not the same
We are still one in my heart, but we are not the same. I am here and you are.....? where?I get the sense you won't tell me because you know I might come after you.
We get to Carry each other Carry each other One
Are you carrying me? Are you influencing song choices on AI? Are you making sure the TV works so I can live from week to week, waiting for the final outcome of AI when Adam will surely be crowned Season 8 great.
How do I get to carry you? Carry on with out you? Is that enough? Is that how it is supposed to work? Is it? I ma to carry one with your memory in my head and your picture around my neck. That's all I get and yet it feels even to heavy to carry just that.
Did I ask too much? More than a lot.
Was it too much to ask for us to live til we were old? That we live til we retire?
That I get one more year. month week, day, hour with you?
You gave me nothing,
nothing but love
Now it's all I got
the memory of love
You say Love is a temple Love a higher law
So someone told me that Love never dies, now that you are dead, that's all I have the memory of your love, because I sure don't feel anything in the here and now.
And I can't be holding on To what you got When all you got is hurt
And when I think of the way you loved me it hurts too much because it is gone. All it does is hurt. I sometimes imagine that Chris never happened, that I woke up in my house and it was transformed. That way I don't have to feel in memory the splendorthat was us.
Monday, May 4, 2009
Whole Lotta Love
My sister is so excited the Adam is singing Led Zep. It is rock and roll week. And i must confess my distaste for hard rock has quelled somewhat since D day. Some of Rock and Roll suits my mood to a T. There are so many songs that evoke my mood (not that I managed to work the vault..... )
I actually only had a vague awareness of the song before Adam's performance. He is rocking it the outfit looks angry, I like it. The lyrics although not a perfect match this week, do speak to me.
I do need love, for my lover has died and now I have no one who will love me the way Chris did. Although I am grateful that I even ever had that love I feel bereft that it has gone.
But I get some relief in an hour of powerful vocals. This week he goes first and does a duet last. The duet saves me and keeps me watching all the in betweens iincluding the laughably frightening Danny Gokey doing dream on (a rock and roll song I knew from my sister's extensive play of Areosmith back in the day) It is so bad it makes me laugh. I call Sharon she isn't watching the in between I tell her to look for it later on Utube.
Adam is magnificent in both his solo and playful duet with Allison.
I love the eyeliner the outfit it's all eye and ear candy.
I actually only had a vague awareness of the song before Adam's performance. He is rocking it the outfit looks angry, I like it. The lyrics although not a perfect match this week, do speak to me.
I do need love, for my lover has died and now I have no one who will love me the way Chris did. Although I am grateful that I even ever had that love I feel bereft that it has gone.
But I get some relief in an hour of powerful vocals. This week he goes first and does a duet last. The duet saves me and keeps me watching all the in betweens iincluding the laughably frightening Danny Gokey doing dream on (a rock and roll song I knew from my sister's extensive play of Areosmith back in the day) It is so bad it makes me laugh. I call Sharon she isn't watching the in between I tell her to look for it later on Utube.
Adam is magnificent in both his solo and playful duet with Allison.
I love the eyeliner the outfit it's all eye and ear candy.
Sunday, May 3, 2009
the bottom of the well
cried on and off all day......so hard couldn't catch my breath. Lying in bed wating Tina Tuurner movie.......screaming (like Ike) I can't do this don't make me do this I want you I need you to come back..............I can't do this, just like I told you 3 weeks before you died. I won't be able to go on I said, you will you said you have so many friends .......oh no I will sit in the bedroom and drink myself to death...........oh come one you said somethinh you repeated the day before you died when i lost it feeding you a popsicle. HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN TO US? it hurts so bad..like a rhinocerres on my chest (what it should be an elephant??)oh my gaod if it werenot for the love of you life lying next to me I would off myself ( if I had a ready gun....)
I cried so much today I could have watered the garden without a hose.
WHY WHY WHY what did I do to piss off the gods? why wasn't my cildhood punishment enough? if this is what the rest f my life is gonna be like forget it. first dave then bob now this GOD SUCKS. I WANT TO DIE
but not before I clean up the house
I cried so much today I could have watered the garden without a hose.
WHY WHY WHY what did I do to piss off the gods? why wasn't my cildhood punishment enough? if this is what the rest f my life is gonna be like forget it. first dave then bob now this GOD SUCKS. I WANT TO DIE
but not before I clean up the house
one month and one day
It has been 29 days since my husband died. I have been awake since 6 AM it is now 10 13 AM and I have only left the bed twice (once to pee andd once for coffee). I and O. I have been crying and mostly trying not to cry and wonder why? Why did the love of my life have to die so young? and why did it take me so long to love him the way he deservedl? Why couldn't Ihave done what was needed to slay the GIST dragon. I could have forced him to Hippocrates, the man would have jumped off a building for me and yet I couldn't cure his cancer. LIFE SUCKS.
I want to not want to go on. I want to crush his leftover Oxy's and die. ( I won't because I would turn into a Gloucester wifey faster than you could say Gorton's.)
I have no motivation, yet a to do list created by death. More money than I need and more hours spent at work for what? FOR WHAT?
I have fantasies of killing some Lovett Street and Friend Steet residents before killing myself. Maybe add a CFO to the list? Set myself on fire in front of HES?
maybe I will try to get up now.............................
I want to not want to go on. I want to crush his leftover Oxy's and die. ( I won't because I would turn into a Gloucester wifey faster than you could say Gorton's.)
I have no motivation, yet a to do list created by death. More money than I need and more hours spent at work for what? FOR WHAT?
I have fantasies of killing some Lovett Street and Friend Steet residents before killing myself. Maybe add a CFO to the list? Set myself on fire in front of HES?
maybe I will try to get up now.............................
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
