so Samhain, the feast of the pagans the new year.....it is when the veil between the spirit world and the human world is at its thinnest. Is that when Chris will be known to me? will I feel anything then? it's only 3 months away......
I never feel him around me. I sometimes think I feel something, but I am not sure what it is.
Is it just a chil or the memory of a warm embrace? Is it just wistful thinking on my part? Does it matter anyway? To feel him but be able to touch him, hear him taste him it doesn't seem like it would ever be enough. The longing I have grow stronger every day. I am still making plans in my head to tidy everything up so I can leave the earthly plain.....that's when it struck me. If I kill myself on Halloween or Samhain would the viel be thin enough for Chris to reach out and grab my soul. No 49 days of Buddhist waiting, just jump out of this like and be with him in his. and what is his? I have no sense of it whatsover......is he energy? particles? wandering around with his father?what ? and what would I be? where would we be? better than here.
better than crying half the time and the other half trying not to. better than being here with all the nitwits that are left. No one gets me, no one ever will.
Look out Jack o Lantern, my time may come.
Friday, July 31, 2009
Thursday, July 23, 2009
did it really happen?
no not the death.....the whole 12 years worth of relationship with Chris? It struck me today that I feel better if I pretend that I never met him, I never fell in love with him, never married him.
It could be as if someone came into the house and changed everything just the way I would have wanted it if I knew what it is I wanted.....The kitchen is perfect, the bed room and living room, the french doors. All gorgeous enhancements, all just magically appeared and here I am living as a divorcee of the practice husband with many friends. A second husband? no never remarried. Never took any trips or went to Dana Farber thousands of time. Just me and the house and my 20 year old who breezes in and out during college breaks.
It doesn't hurt when you stop missing what you never had. It takes some effort, but not nearly the effort of stopping the anticipatory grieving that was happening for the past 16 months.....
If only I could stay here.
It could be as if someone came into the house and changed everything just the way I would have wanted it if I knew what it is I wanted.....The kitchen is perfect, the bed room and living room, the french doors. All gorgeous enhancements, all just magically appeared and here I am living as a divorcee of the practice husband with many friends. A second husband? no never remarried. Never took any trips or went to Dana Farber thousands of time. Just me and the house and my 20 year old who breezes in and out during college breaks.
It doesn't hurt when you stop missing what you never had. It takes some effort, but not nearly the effort of stopping the anticipatory grieving that was happening for the past 16 months.....
If only I could stay here.
Thursday, July 9, 2009
ADAM I need you now!
so I am in bed, and my sister in law decides before she goes to bed she should let me know how perfect my dead husband was, how wonderful he was to me and how he worshipped me, how jealous she was of that and how she envied me. Did I know how lucky I was?
Oh she gave examples and I cried with tears that stung my eyes like never before, was it because she was telling me this? or becuase in group tonight we had to say what we missed most (muisc and magic----the magical way Chris had of knowing what I wanted/needed.
I am so distraught over the loss and the renewed thinking of ALL I have lost I am seriously thinking that suicide would be better than the pain i feel now
so off to the internet I go, better be some good Lambert ot save me.
Oh she gave examples and I cried with tears that stung my eyes like never before, was it because she was telling me this? or becuase in group tonight we had to say what we missed most (muisc and magic----the magical way Chris had of knowing what I wanted/needed.
I am so distraught over the loss and the renewed thinking of ALL I have lost I am seriously thinking that suicide would be better than the pain i feel now
so off to the internet I go, better be some good Lambert ot save me.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Weeds
I am at Mac's chruch. I resent being here, the music is too joyful and I hate it.
What am I doing here? I don't even beleive and these peopel scare me.
Do they really believe in a benevloent being? HA One who would take my husband from me after all the suffering I have already experienced?I am not even allowed a modicum of happiness>
MAc is asking GOd to bless us and Obama and others...like God Cares? if he/she exists he is off doing soemthing he enjoys not listiening to this preacher.
Why do I even bother?I saw a client this morning and wanted to tell her to go ahead and killherself for crying out loud, stop talking and start doing!
Glad I am sitting alone so I can write and think but I really wish I was somehwere else
like weeding tin the driveway.
What am I doing here? I don't even beleive and these peopel scare me.
Do they really believe in a benevloent being? HA One who would take my husband from me after all the suffering I have already experienced?I am not even allowed a modicum of happiness>
MAc is asking GOd to bless us and Obama and others...like God Cares? if he/she exists he is off doing soemthing he enjoys not listiening to this preacher.
Why do I even bother?I saw a client this morning and wanted to tell her to go ahead and killherself for crying out loud, stop talking and start doing!
Glad I am sitting alone so I can write and think but I really wish I was somehwere else
like weeding tin the driveway.
Friday, July 3, 2009
July 3rd
92 days
Worked today at Beverly Hospital. Must have thought to pick up the
phone a hundred times to call Chris to see what he is doing, or tell
him how bad the day was.
Called his cell to hear his voice. I just love listening to it. It is
the only recording I have of him I will keep his cell forever if I
have to just so I can hea it....Want to go find him really badly. I
feel like I could just get in my car and go looking and maybe just
maybe I would be able to find him.....maybe on the beach or over at
Lynch Park. I can picture him so painfully perfectly standing there
with that eager happy to see me face. A look I will never see except
in my minds eye, which must be the place between my corenea and my
tears.
I just want to really see him. My heart is heavy now and the elephant
is back on my chest, my legs feel like lead and I wonder if I should
just stay here and blog all night, really get it out, but what will
that change.
Oh God this is so hard, I don't want to do this anymore, why do I have
to why why why.When will it be over?
Worked today at Beverly Hospital. Must have thought to pick up the
phone a hundred times to call Chris to see what he is doing, or tell
him how bad the day was.
Called his cell to hear his voice. I just love listening to it. It is
the only recording I have of him I will keep his cell forever if I
have to just so I can hea it....Want to go find him really badly. I
feel like I could just get in my car and go looking and maybe just
maybe I would be able to find him.....maybe on the beach or over at
Lynch Park. I can picture him so painfully perfectly standing there
with that eager happy to see me face. A look I will never see except
in my minds eye, which must be the place between my corenea and my
tears.
I just want to really see him. My heart is heavy now and the elephant
is back on my chest, my legs feel like lead and I wonder if I should
just stay here and blog all night, really get it out, but what will
that change.
Oh God this is so hard, I don't want to do this anymore, why do I have
to why why why.When will it be over?
April 23rd 3 weeks
I called Hospice today to see if I could get into the support group
that starts in a few weeks. It is for widows. I spoke to the intake
worker who told me that there was a mandatory 3 month wait, that I was
too raw to be in a group right now.
Too RAW? As if it is ever going to be any less raw, like I would want
it to be any less? Less raw means distance from the death which means
distance from Chris. I am not working and I want to be here, it is
where he last was, the only place I have any hope of seeing or feeling
something. I don't think I am raw I am numb and now I am angry that I
have to wait.....how the hell does she know what is right for me, I
want to be with other widows so we can all be crazy together, I can
meet now in 3 months from now and in another three months. Am I really
supposed to endure this alone? The heaviness on the chest? The pain
that runs through my veins, as if my blood has been replaced by
electrified water hurting and stinging and making my skin feel
charged. I just want this to be over, but I don't know what that
means.....
what will it be like? will I have to forget he even existed? will that
take the pain away? If I dismantle the house and remove everything he
improved, built or took care of, will that make it be over? Erase all
my memories of our time together with and without the unwanted
houseguest named GIST. Will that make it better?
I can't do that, he doesn't derserve to be erased, he deserves to be
here!!! With me and Aurora and with his life, I want him back, he
wants to be back I know he does. Why can't he come back? Because I
burned his body? I think that I might have erased any chance for
possible resurrection, what if they find a cure I could have had his
biody exhumed and somehow re animated him (how frankenstonian).
Now all I have is a box of ashes, nothing to give me hope that he can return.
What if he is reincarnated and comes to get me and I don't recognize
him? would he be a baby? or a puppy? or is he enlightened and smiling
down on me? I want to feel him I want to feel something besides this
cement that fills my body and hurts me from the insdie out.
Oh yes I am too raw for the Hospice Support Group. My grief will scare
them all. And it will oh so much better in 2 months time.
that starts in a few weeks. It is for widows. I spoke to the intake
worker who told me that there was a mandatory 3 month wait, that I was
too raw to be in a group right now.
Too RAW? As if it is ever going to be any less raw, like I would want
it to be any less? Less raw means distance from the death which means
distance from Chris. I am not working and I want to be here, it is
where he last was, the only place I have any hope of seeing or feeling
something. I don't think I am raw I am numb and now I am angry that I
have to wait.....how the hell does she know what is right for me, I
want to be with other widows so we can all be crazy together, I can
meet now in 3 months from now and in another three months. Am I really
supposed to endure this alone? The heaviness on the chest? The pain
that runs through my veins, as if my blood has been replaced by
electrified water hurting and stinging and making my skin feel
charged. I just want this to be over, but I don't know what that
means.....
what will it be like? will I have to forget he even existed? will that
take the pain away? If I dismantle the house and remove everything he
improved, built or took care of, will that make it be over? Erase all
my memories of our time together with and without the unwanted
houseguest named GIST. Will that make it better?
I can't do that, he doesn't derserve to be erased, he deserves to be
here!!! With me and Aurora and with his life, I want him back, he
wants to be back I know he does. Why can't he come back? Because I
burned his body? I think that I might have erased any chance for
possible resurrection, what if they find a cure I could have had his
biody exhumed and somehow re animated him (how frankenstonian).
Now all I have is a box of ashes, nothing to give me hope that he can return.
What if he is reincarnated and comes to get me and I don't recognize
him? would he be a baby? or a puppy? or is he enlightened and smiling
down on me? I want to feel him I want to feel something besides this
cement that fills my body and hurts me from the insdie out.
Oh yes I am too raw for the Hospice Support Group. My grief will scare
them all. And it will oh so much better in 2 months time.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
this sucks
oh my god
how bad does this hurt? Closing down the house for the night checking that door is locked, it hits me this is your life this is your life, a life without your chris, alone alone, one by yourself. for the next 20 years ( hopefully not longer)
I can't breathe I can't think I am suffocating with the the thought the crashing reality that this is it, he is not coming back he will never be here for me.... for us. where is he? where is he why can't I be with him why is their some meta physical energy holding us back?
the pain is go strong I am moaning and and sighing as I type this my chest hurts I want to die
how bad does this hurt? Closing down the house for the night checking that door is locked, it hits me this is your life this is your life, a life without your chris, alone alone, one by yourself. for the next 20 years ( hopefully not longer)
I can't breathe I can't think I am suffocating with the the thought the crashing reality that this is it, he is not coming back he will never be here for me.... for us. where is he? where is he why can't I be with him why is their some meta physical energy holding us back?
the pain is go strong I am moaning and and sighing as I type this my chest hurts I want to die
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
