July 3rd

92 days
Worked today at Beverly Hospital. Must have thought to pick up the
phone a hundred times to call Chris to see what he is doing, or tell
him how bad the day was.
Called his cell to hear his voice. I just love listening to it. It is
the only recording I have of him I will keep his cell forever if I
have to just so I can hea it....Want to go find him really badly. I
feel like I could just get in my car and go looking and maybe just
maybe I would be able to find him.....maybe on the beach or over at
Lynch Park. I can picture him so painfully perfectly standing there
with that eager happy to see me face. A look I will never see except
in my minds eye, which must be the place between my corenea and my
tears.
I just want to really see him. My heart is heavy now and the elephant
is back on my chest, my legs feel like lead and I wonder if I should
just stay here and blog all night, really get it out, but what will
that change.
Oh God this is so hard, I don't want to do this anymore, why do I have
to why why why.When will it be over?