no not the death.....the whole 12 years worth of relationship with Chris? It struck me today that I feel better if I pretend that I never met him, I never fell in love with him, never married him.
It could be as if someone came into the house and changed everything just the way I would have wanted it if I knew what it is I wanted.....The kitchen is perfect, the bed room and living room, the french doors. All gorgeous enhancements, all just magically appeared and here I am living as a divorcee of the practice husband with many friends. A second husband? no never remarried. Never took any trips or went to Dana Farber thousands of time. Just me and the house and my 20 year old who breezes in and out during college breaks.
It doesn't hurt when you stop missing what you never had. It takes some effort, but not nearly the effort of stopping the anticipatory grieving that was happening for the past 16 months.....
If only I could stay here.
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