Halloween Afternoon

Walking with Lynne, I point to the spot where I told her I thought I heard Chris this morning.
Funny you should say that, she said with a grin. When I think of the times Chris and I came to ptown together, this is the spot that I always picture, we stopped here and looked at the water every time.

All Hallows Ever

Up early to walk Aurora. It is unseasonably warm, the sun is barely up and through the thick gray clouds. I walk toward Sparks wanting to see if it is open for the weekend. So many places have already closed up for the season. It is strange to see some places closed. And some so open.
I walk to shop Therapy and am not sure where Sparks is.....I can't remember where it could be.....further or did I pass it already? I check the address on my Blackberry and walk past Shop Therapy. I see Sparks finally looks like they will open this morning at 11. I rest on the stone wall near Sparks, a place Chris had often sat waiting for me as I engaged in my yearly hunt for the ultimate glass earring. I look out at the water across the street. It glistens from the shafts of golden sunlight that are escaping the cracks in the clouds. I look out at the water.....I hear Chris in my head...I am here,
Why can't I take you back? Why do I have to drive three hours to see you/hear you?
You don't but if you take me back I will be in you.......I am not sure what he means by that.....I am still ....waiting for anything else that might come along, nothing does.
I say Gail says hi
Tell her I love her.
What does that mean???????
After awhile when it is clear the communication has stopped inasmuch the same way the shafts of light have receded and are behind the clouds, I begin the walk back to the Inn.

samhain 7 :39

took a walk with Aurora, where are you? I can't feel you? is this futile?
Up and down Commercial street looking for Sparks, stopped to check address on the Black berry....feeling hopeless is this worthwhile?
Walking toward Sparks why aren't you here? I am
he said in my head. Sit on the wall near Sparks
Do I always have to come here to hear you? Yes Why?
because you don't take me back with you.....looking out at the water the clouds break, the sun shines through.......Gail says hi
tell her I love her........
take me back with you create this in you, and I will be in you.

Samhain in P town

I am here! Desperately hoping for a connection. Went to Racepoint yesterday to get rocks and sand.....didn't even hear a whisper. Maybe because I was too task orientated. I was distracted and unable to get a quiet moment on the beach. The beach was beautufl, the air was warm, it could have been perfect.
Went to dinner at the MEWS, walked around town, trying hard too feel something, anything. It is all so gloriously familiar and framed in the golden autumn sun. The only thing missing is Chris.

October

A magical month that holds little magic anymore, I decide to leave for Samhain, can't be in Salem, too many memories. My heart is heavy most of the time, still my hopes for a quiet month in September bled into October, I lie to my friends tell them I am busy, have company coming or that I am at work to keep them away. I come home every night to the couch and the tv. I don't have the searing pain, just a crushing feeling in my chest and a dull pressure everywhere else.
I am .....what? sad? depressed? no just numb.........the tears usually at the edge of my bottom lashes are dried up, they have vanished instead of spilling down my face. Now there is nothing...I think of Chris and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of the loss, and yet the emotions are gone. Is it the the anti anxiety medication? Is it the unrelenting pain in my legs ? the pain that radiates down my leg replacing the daily shredding of my heart that begins anew with each morning awakening to a dark cold and empty house. the bleak dark mornings, the endless night mirror the inside of my soul. Dark more than light, cold more than warm, Welcome Autumn.

my hips don't lie

So in a week I will see if I need surgery, and if I do I will be on my own. No one to be at my side like Iwas for Chris. No one to help me out of bed or up and down the stairs.
I have put this off for so long I probably did my self no good. Chris knew I was in trouble and used to give me articles about hip re surfacing, and arthroscopic surgery. I was too busy then to take care of it. Wasn't it enough to be going to Dana Farber for Cat Scans and infusions and the Brigham for surgery? The intrusion of the medical world into our private life was on overdrive, not much left for me. I hate doctors anyway (ironic that I work in hospital, yes?)
I especially hate orthopedic surgeons, they are pompous arrogant SOB's. ......except for a certain somone with egyptian cotton sheets.......... I will not have an MRI with out Chris and can't believe I will face major surgery on my own.......
this is my lot in life I guess. A solitary, a singleton alone to crawl around .....

Saw thurdsay

Just set up to record all the Saws!!!!!!!!!!
so excited. no good Horror on tonight.
Started the Lexapro today
SAw th MD need a hip replacement.

horror

I have a new hobby. Watching horror films. I average 2 a night. I am not sure why. It started with Saw 4 on Saturday night, 10/10. Not Friday the the thirteenth Saturday the 10th.
I saw that Saw was on, I think why not? It is like Dexter on acid. He only kills the bad guys, and his machinations are intense. Something Chris would have been able to build.
The gore doesn't bother me, nor am I scared. Do I feel like I am closer to death ( and Chris this way?) Am I pushing the envelope? Am I trying to trigger myself?
Not sure. Just know that I am really enjoying the horror fest courtesy of Comcast

Celexa Hell

Saturday October 17
In group, I can hardly contain my crazy thoughts.... ..Everyone is talking....I can't concentrate, I am looking out the window.....looking every where. My therapist has lost weight, her thinness is triggering me....she looks like she has cancer, it bothers me I don't want to say it out loud, I can't I am so distracted....am I suicidal...?I think I am but Max is coming home, I have to get through the birthday dinner and everything, I honestly don't think I can, I have to be sober he is drinking I .....am driving.....the thoughts I am thinking .......about taking all my ativan, but no wait I haven't done the will the will yet, the house is a mess I can't leave him with all this.....the thought what is going on, My thoughts are swirling, The group is talking, Stephanie asks me something, I try to respond, not knowing if I sound out of it. I think I need to go to a hospital but which one leland, bayridge, oh my god my clients will be there....am I that far gone?? What is happening? I want to die just to avoid all this, I can't deal with this. Ineed someone to take care of me, I want the group to be over, I watch the clock, Time drags....I have to get out of this room........
I talk about Max's birthday and my mother going, someone asks me why I don't mention Chris not being there..........since Celexa I haven't been able to think, grieve or cry about Chris. I am numb, not depressed still very anxious, but I am like what a bizarre question......
This is not me, I am in psychopharmological lock down. I t can't feel anything except the sternum crushing lead on my chest.

tuesday the 13th

Home from work, can barely feed the dog and throw a fleece robe on. Crawl onto the couch, turn TV on, watch 4 for four hours, what did I watch? I can't remember, not sure if it even registered. Feel like I am hovering near comatose. No thoughts, empty brain, empty heart, empty soul. I am surprised the next morning when I wake up....I was so devoid of life.

Persian Nights

Last night I had the most peculiar dream. I dreamt about an old college flame, Babek (one of the things that drew Chris and I together is that we both dated people from Iran).
Babek was driving my sister (in the back seat and I in the front seat of Chris top down convertible. We were driving through Williamsport Pa, a place that carries not so great memories of a war torn childhood (food for another blog?). Sharon and I remarked on the stores there sameness and how they had changed. I felt oddly comforted bu the fact that Babek (an electrical engineer, like Chris) was with us. We ended up in a library looking through photo albums from my college days,pictures of a man I had also dated and was briefly engaged to were in the album which I was not allowed to take with me. Babek wore an unlikely flannel shirt and I leaned against it feeling his warmth and again feeling some sense of comfort.
I awoke in a sea of surealness. What was that about? Why Babek, why now?
Was he an archetype for Chris, a tall handsome engineer? Was he trying to bring me comfort somehow?
Was the trip to the past somehow meaningful? And what was the meaning?

Coincidences part 3

What a tough day.......I arrive home to a stack of mail.....one piece of which is a cancellation notice for the auto insurance on Chris' Car. Because it was not inspected. (Which of course it was....).
Fuming I call the new insurance, ( I had changed to save money to Met Life automatic payroll deduction). I am on hold...I check my email. There are a number of google alerts for Adam I start scrolling through them to distract myself and to calm down.
Finally I talk to a human, they have not received the from.....without it I am uninsured......for a car I rarely drive, but which I want protected. I did get a copy, I start looking through the papers on my desk, first the left pile ....fridge repair receipt, fridge repair receipt and fridge repair receipt all pink, some white paper and some bills. Nothing from the inspection. I take out the folder from the file drawer labeled "Auto" I look through the file for Chris' car, as well as mine and Max's to be sure. Nothing. I start to cry ....I hit play on the video feed of "Adam news". Random interviews play in the background.....maybe it's in the car, I run downstairs check the Toyota, the glove box, the doors the seats the trunk everything looked through, no paperwork.
Back up the stairs, thinking maybe I mailed it, and didn't have a copy for me. I hear Adam Singing from the video:
It's the new song from the movie 2012. Someone leaked it and now it's playing from my queue
Baby you know that maybe it's time for miracles
because I ain't giving up on us.
I pick up the stack of papers with the pink receipts for the fridge repair.
Baby you know that maybe it's time for miracles.
A yellow sheet drops out from the stack that I had gone through three or four times.
I pick it up. It is the inspection paper.
It's was time for miracles.
I listen to the song (or the 29 seconds that was "leaked") over and over.
I call my sister and play it for her over the phone.
I am numb, weirded out that the song and the paper collided.I thin Chris was helping somehow an Adam was providing the soundtrack.

Coincidence Part 2

October 9th, 2009
the nines of October
late afternoon
Hospice referral
52 year old man, metastatic prostate cancer. Wife, 2 kids. Nurse says he doesn't want the H word said aloud.

Went into the room did the introductions. Explained about the Hospice referral to the wife, patient was receiving pains medications. I gave them almost the exact same spiel I was given 6 months ago, Hospice may make patient feel better and actually improve his condition (it;s not for the dying in this case, just an extra push so you can continue treatment)
Patient. sits up in his chair and asks me if we can start over because although he was present while I was talking to the wife, he was in pain and getting medication, so he couldn't participate fully in the discussion.
This is exactly what Chris had once done, when the doctors were in and I was doing all the talking. We almost had an argument about it, my take charge can do attitude, up against his thoughtful, methodical way of interacting with health care professionals.
I felt ashamed that I had not honored or respected this man, having gone through this same thing myself just a short time ago. What was I thinking, I know what I was thinking get me in and out of this room as quick as possible so I don't have to see the fear, sorrow, grief and horror in their faces. Plus this man was still in active treatment at Dana Farber, not ready to give up, yet he was on O2 just like Chris 4 days before he died. He looked thin, cathetic, but still handsome. His wife when speaking of the cancer treatments, the blood draws, and the transfusions used the "we are in this fight together" "WE". As in "we" have an appointment next week about a trial drug. "We" need our blood levels to be over 10 (they were 10.8). "We" will agree to Hospice only if we can continue active treatment. I saw and heard what I must have sounded like. Honestly it sounded a bit odd, maybe it was just me, but my thoughts were something like YOU DON"T HAVE THE CANCER HE DOES!!!!! And yet I understood the woman with the binder full of papers and lists and printed out web pages.
In the end they accepted the Hospice referral, with hopes that he would feel up to another trial, another shot at hope.
I memorized his name and wrote a note in my calendar to check the obituaries.

Sherpa

Andrea and I went to Christmas Tree Shop. We have been hanging out a bit lately. Ilike hanging with Andrea, she gets where I am. Maybe it's the Hospice training, or just her innate ability to know that one needs to do what the need to do. She is empowering in a gentle way. When I told her I was continuing to see Kelli at Hospice even though it costs 70 bucks a session. She said matter of fact "so you will pay it, until you don't need to". Simple. I was worried about the extra expense, but of course she was right, I need Kelli and he wisdom more than anything.
At Christmas Tree we stumbled upon these plush blankets called Sherpas. The were plush on one side and (fake) sheepskin on the other. Although the weather had not yet turned cool, we were intrigued. The price was right (24.99 for a queen) so we each bought one, mine a soft green, Andrea's a merlot wine color.
When we got home and tried them out we immediately called each other! They were divine! We were addicted. It gave a special and new meaning to my couch time and lured me back to the TV in ways I had not been lured since my marathon sessions last spring and summer. This seemed different. The Sherpa kept me company like an old friend or a warm husband. Someone to watch TV with to keep me snug.
Sad.

Coincidences part 1

Worked on Sunday alone, why not alone at work, alone at home. Might as well get paid.
Had a Hospice referral on a 60 year old woman, for Hospice at home. It was Sunday so I wanted to get the ball rolling .....I didn't review the chart to see what her Diagnosis was, after all I just needed for her to pick a Hospice....I met with her and her husband. She was in bed looked very puffy. Her pink cheeks puffed out against the whit pillows, her straw golden hair spayed out around her. She looked so very young, not 60 at all, certainly looked younger than the 50 year old Social Worker with the gray hair.
Hello, I said introducing myself in a rehearsed I have said this a 100 times way, I am Karen the Sunday Social Worker and I understand that your Doctor has written a Hospice consult.
Yes said the patient, we are having a hard time at home, breathing hard as she spoke. Even with oxygen she was breathless....I immediately thought of Chris last days and the oxygen we had at the house, I was frightened I didn't think she would be this end stage, but then again, she was young what did I think?????
Taking over for his wife the husband asked me how the referral process would proceed, and what to expect.
Deep breath in I explained that there were various forms of Hospice, from palliative, to bridge care to end of life care. Not wanting to scare them I asked " where are you in your treatment?"
The patient thought I meant geographically and answered, "sarcoma clinic at Dana Farber"
IT can't be I thought, no way......that where Chris was treated.......my lips started to go numb, a panic attack on the verge. I swallow hard,wanting to run, but wanting to know is it GIST?
"What type of sarcoma do you have"?
Retinol pericardiom, the tumor is wrapped around my heart, my doctor is Dr. Butrinski.
I feel relief that it isn't a GIST, but I know Dr. B he treated Chris when Dr. Morgan was on vacation. It is a weird coincidence and I sort of like it, but sort of don't.

Gran Torino

Lindsey came over to watch Gran Torino, one of the last movies (if not the last ) Chris and I saw together. I told her I didn't mind watching it again, it was that good.....So we watched it sipping bears, and making few comments....
At the end (spoiler alert) when Clint dies, we both started crying those silent tears that are typical in a movie theater at the end of a movie.....until the tsunami of tears came a roaring in for both us us.....we cried and cried, this time with noise and wet and hot stinging tears. We said nothing, but we knew most definitely that we were on the same page. The sobs ebbed and flowed, like a classical sonata, swelling to a crescendo, crashing down around us, before starting up again.
As the tide of tears slowly started to recede, we didn't have a moment where we looked at each other and laughed as so often happens in the movie, she limped home and I limped into bed, exhausted and feeling wrung out like a sponge, all my fluid having been spilled out into tears.