Saturday October 17
In group, I can hardly contain my crazy thoughts.... ..Everyone is talking....I can't concentrate, I am looking out the window.....looking every where. My therapist has lost weight, her thinness is triggering me....she looks like she has cancer, it bothers me I don't want to say it out loud, I can't I am so distracted....am I suicidal...?I think I am but Max is coming home, I have to get through the birthday dinner and everything, I honestly don't think I can, I have to be sober he is drinking I .....am driving.....the thoughts I am thinking .......about taking all my ativan, but no wait I haven't done the will the will yet, the house is a mess I can't leave him with all this.....the thought what is going on, My thoughts are swirling, The group is talking, Stephanie asks me something, I try to respond, not knowing if I sound out of it. I think I need to go to a hospital but which one leland, bayridge, oh my god my clients will be there....am I that far gone?? What is happening? I want to die just to avoid all this, I can't deal with this. Ineed someone to take care of me, I want the group to be over, I watch the clock, Time drags....I have to get out of this room........
I talk about Max's birthday and my mother going, someone asks me why I don't mention Chris not being there..........since Celexa I haven't been able to think, grieve or cry about Chris. I am numb, not depressed still very anxious, but I am like what a bizarre question......
This is not me, I am in psychopharmological lock down. I t can't feel anything except the sternum crushing lead on my chest.
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