BLACK FRIDAY

The day after thanksgiving, the busiest shopping day of the year. I am still reeling from Jim's admission that the vault has been "edited". I get a feeling that I should call Donna, Chris' mom, I meant to call her yesterday, to wish her a Happy Thanksgiving. I never got to it, could have been the endless chopping, or the endless Bud Lights, I am not sure.
Anyway I leave the living roomn and limp up stairs to retrieve my phone, there is already a text message from Jenn "call me ASAP". Hmmmmm I know what it is, but I don't dare actually go there in my mind. I call her, Don't remember if we exchanged the usual pleasantries, I do remember her saying that Jenn had passed. The pain that coursed through my chest and heart was the same pain I felt on April 2nd. Was it a rebirth of my loss of Chris pain or pain for Jennifer, or both. All I know is that it hurt so bad that I let out a guttural scream/yelp/yell. It frightened my nephew. I flew to my brother's leather and cherry wooded office. His sancturay, now mine. I asked questions, I heard answers, I mostly heard my heart beating wildly in my chest. And I felt the scraping of the knives against my heart. Ouch ouch ouch, it hurt so much. I sobbed uncontrollably, I couldn't catch my breath, I couldn't breathe, the walls, painted a soft beige were closing in on me, the lovely painting that I had admired yesterday seemed to warp in and out. The lovely stems of grass waved out of the picture toward me. The lemony yellow of the sun in the picture, started to dim. The bile started to rise in my throat. I knew I was going to lose the Eggs Benedict I had prepared and eaten 20 minutes ago. Dizzy, nauseous, sick. I can't stay in the room, I can't leave. I am in Ohio, I want to run and leave .....run to where? This is awful the tears are awful, hot and the pain in my heart hurts so much.
Why? I knew this was coming but I can't stand this now. I ask about my mother in law, I want to talk to her but can't now because all she will hear is animal sounds coming out of my mouth. I hang up and drop the phone.
I run up stairs and throw myself on the bed....sobs wrack my body. I try to stifle my sobs. I don't want my brother and his family to hear me. Could they understand the whale like sounds that emanate from my gut?
I finally get it together and descend the immense stair case to the first floor.
Jenn died, I tell my brother. He sits in his leather chair, he responds in a sympathetic-light way. I want a hug. I want to collapse in someones arms. I want to scream and cry and writhe on the floor. But the kids are there and Joan is there and it is also surreal.. I want to be away away from Ohio, but there is no where else to go to escape this pain.
My brother asks me if I want to go look at tile, for his bathroom renovation. I say yeah, sure.

Vault interrupted

After much confusion over the songs that were missing from the Vault. Jim tells me that he didn't exactly copy all the songs from Chris' hard drives to the "New Vault".
I am horrified that #1. I have been lied to. and #2 that he would try to pass off a 2/3rds (actually less than half)of the vault by saying "I didn't need" all that music and that it would only slow the program down. Well, I asked "can't we but a faster processor"?. "No, he said, it's not about that" He told me he only picked the songs that he thought I knew....how little he knew about me and Chris,....... Scissor Sisters, Fat Boy Slim, Chumba Whummba? all lost!!! (not really lost just not copied)
Still I can't believe what I thought was a miracle makeover was just a facade.
How did such a wonderful gesture, a care taking thing turn into a horrible betrayal?

turkey trip

going to Ohio! In the airport, the flight has been delayed and returned t orginal time several times. The most enjoyable part of this is loong over (meaning we left Legal too too long ago) 15 minutes to board.

MUSIC AGAIN

Day 2 of the new Cd.
My favorite song (for now). It is a little Queen, alot of Darkness (if you don't them ---well then you aren't Nikki Shairs ....the only person...of the many, many I queried, who KNEW that the Darkness wrote this song the very first time she heard it---Nikki is Max's ex girlfriend, she is a music management major and a source of fun and entertainment for Chris.)
It has good energy and reminds me so much of Queen.

I want your body, mind, soul, et cetera
And one day you'll see, you should give it to me
And I don't want anyone instead of ya
Oh babe I'm goin crazy, come on and give it to me
And I ain't never met nobody better-er
You're someone else's baby

I'm so sick of living for other people
Took meeting you to realise
I don't wanna lose ya, I wanna keep ya

Put your little hand in mine and
Look into my eyes, baby eyes
Oh you make me wanna listen to music again
Yeah you make me wanna listen to music again

There had been many moons before I met ya
And I ain't going nowhere
And now you give me back my raison d'être
And I'm inspired again

And I know in some ways we're kinda evil
Got my roots and you've got ties
But my heart's no stranger to upheaval

Put your little hand in mine and
Look into my eyes, baby eyes
Oh you make me wanna listen to music again
Yeah you make me wanna listen to music again

Ahhh music again
Look in to my eyes, baby eyes
I just wanna listen to music again
Oh yeah oh yeah oh yeah wooh oh hey!

I'm so sick of living for other people
Took meeting you to realize
I don't wanna lose ya, I wanna keep ya

Put your little hand in mine and
Look into my eyes baby eyes, whoa
Oh you make me wanna listen to music again, whoa
Yeah you make me wanna listen to music again, whoa
Oh you make me wanna listen to music again, whoa
Yeah you make me wanna listen to music again

Adam's new CD out today

I have the CD, overwhelmed, listened to it in fits and spurts. Couldn't manage to sit and listen to the whole thing. Fast forwarded through the songs that I had pre loaded (What Do You Want From Me, For Your Entertainment and Master Plan). Wanting to get to something new. Feeling frenetic, can't listen to it fast enough, this is what heroin addicts must feel like they can't get the drug in their veins fast enough.
I feel that it has come at the perfect time though, I am suffering, I am hurting, I cry all the time especially; in the car. The Idol CD, played everyday, is still an anchor..... I yearn for something new. Something to get me through the holidays and out of this darkness. I still need a whole lotta love to get to feeling good 'cause everything is so black and white and if I can't have you, everything is a Mad World and all I see is the tracks of my tears.
Yeah, so I am too frantic comment on any songs right now.....just loving the touch of someone new (it's one of his songs---you hear about it later)

Explosion

Sunday.................water the plants, put laundry out (it is amazing how little I have) I notice the grill outside. Chris never liked to leave things out for the winter...I should bring it in. I disconnect the propane (for the first time, it is not so hard) and carry (ouch that hurts my hip) the bottom half of the grill in. I turn to get the tank (where does one store a tank full of propane??) and the lid. On the deck, I turn, I see the handmade corner shelves that Chris made for me to keep my sauces and tools handy when I was barbequing. I gulp, there is a familiar lump in my throat that seems to get a little smaller by the time the tears flow down my cheeks. I want my husband...... I WANT MY HUSBAND! Why isn't here? Why can't he be here? Why do I have to do all this alone? And why am I even bothering? Wouldn't it be easier to just drop the prpane down the stairs? Let the explosion and speactularly finalizing fire happen?
I haven't filled out the LW&T yet, but does it matter? I just want this to be over. Somone make it over. I don't want any of this.......the birthday party for Mac last night that I went to out of sheer obligation, a bunch of Christians, no one I really wanted to be with except for Neal ( he so reminds me of Chris it makes my heart hurt) He gave me a couple of hugs and I thought I would pass out from releif of feeling what it is like to be hugged by a tall geek. I wanted more hugs to take home for me in an emergency....like NOW.

DC---DECODED

My friend Lauren came over in a reversal of fortune. For years I have been going to her house early bringing DD coffee, we would have a chat fest and reconnect. Time between coffee klatchs lengtyhend as our lives changes and since Chris died. With my work schedule and my grief schedule I haven't been able to get there, although we keep in touch by email and face book it is never the same.
I had recently supported one of her boys endless fundraisers, buying some Christmas gift certificates, the logistics of paying and receiving the same finally came to head, I could do coffee one morning, she could]'t, I tried to stop over one Friday night she was out of town.
FINALLY it cam together and she came over the house after spinning. I had a bottle of red wine ready next to my ever present BL. We talked and caught up. Her son (my new dog sitter for thanksgiving) came over for some final instructions and saw my take one CD which I loaned him to listen to....
As the vening winded down and we became more reflective, Lauren asked me about Christmas. I told her I am going to Washington DC. I explained that I Had wanted to go to the Caribbean for Christmas to go to a place where there were no trees no lights and no stupid Christmas songs like the the ones playing In the Hallmark store.
She smiled little. I told her about looking for flights leaving Logan after 7 PM on Christmas Eve the earliest I could get away,, seeing D as an option, thinking about Max's love of history and all the museums there. It was a win win. I was thinking DC government buidlkings, all federal and gray no green red or white lights..... I reminded her how I hated Christmas and how Chris was always the one who gave me such a wonderful Christmas, always surprising me with the perfect gift. Al sways making each Christmas the best ever. I still never looked froward to Christmas, but he always made each and every Christmas exceed my expectations BIG TIME.0.
She remenered that Chris sister lived there, she asked "doesn't Chris have a relative there?"
I answered "Funny you should ask that, Chris mom mentioned to his sister Endy tha tI would ber there.
Long story short, for the first time in 8 years Wendy will be in Washington for Christmas and she emailed me inviting me to Doug (her boyfriend's) for Christmas dinner, even offering too pick us up at the airport and drive us to our hotel for check in before taking us to Doug's for dinner.
Lauren thought and shared that THIS was my Christmas present from Chris! He guided the reservation to Washington, he knew that Christmas would be every where....Lauren reminded me incredulously asking me "haven't you ever seen the lighting of the national Christmas tree?" It is on national TV!

Traffic Jam Slam

Stuck on Route 22 with the commuter rail traffic back up. Nothing moving I am at a dead stop. I notice a landscaping truck, a red off road Ranger type, not unlike Max's, these red ford trucks always seem to catch my eye since Max got his. A man jumps out of the truck and into the bed. He is about my age very physically fit. He is bending over into a large tool box retrieving several large chain saws. At first I am fascinated my his movements, wondering if he has hip pain, like my ever present throbbing in my left hip. I imagine the bones inside of him as he bends, lifts and turns. It looks like his hips are working perfectly beneath his crisp khaki pants. I can make out the edge of his underwear, he must wear tighty whities not unlike Chris wore.....and down the slippery slope I go. My thought was that I will never have a man's butt to stare at that also belongs to me. I can look at Mr. Landscaper's ass but I can't touch, the only butt I can touch is gone. Even as I am thinking this I realize that it is bizarre, yet I can't stop staring, mostly at the underwear line. I still have all of Chris clothes (whities included) but they are empty, the shirts the jeans all flat, not filled with him. And yet I hang on to them.
The landscaper moves three chain saws to the back of the truck.He has a navy blue sweat shirt on, his hands look strong, I can see the roughness in the early morning light....even through my tear filled eyes. A horn beeps, the line is moving, I don't want to leave my spot, but I reluctantly inch ahead.
Crying the rest of the way to work for what I lost and what I will never have again.

PS Kevin Knox died

Lindsey just called. She wanted to tell me some bad news....Kevin died. (Kevin was a favorite comedian of both Chris and I). I immediately felt relief. Kevin went to Hippocrates, the center in Florida where we were going for the miracle cure. He beat Multiple myeloma, he was given 6 months and lasted 6 years. Chris was given 5 years and lasted 4 years and 11 months and 11 days.
So maybe not going to Florida was the right thing. The folks at Dana Farber thought it would have been a disaster, maybe they were right.
I remember Amy telling me that If I took Chris to Florida I would be bringing Chris back in a hearse. Maybe she knew..... I ran across an email I wrote to her on April 1st. I told her Hospice had shared with me that you had a week left you died the next day.
not funny.

Sitting on the dock of the bay...............

hi Sweetheart,
Just sitting at your desk, waiting for Jim to call me, he had to rebuild the vault. Or do you know that? Something happened. It wouldn't turn on, or it was turning on but not being recognized....I tried to fix it myself....really, hooked up not one but 2 monitors (one "borrowed" from work). The lights were on but no one was home.....kinda like me, the eyes are open but there's no life.....sorry I digress.
Anyway if you don't know this pains me to tell you that with the help of a web cam I dissected the vault, that's tight cover off, and hard drives out. It was quite comical for me, horrifying for you I am sure.
I packed them up and mailed them to ....you guessed it Jim. And he built me a new one, copied every song all 72,000 some, all the pictures onto a terabyte, put it in a mac daddy case, kind of like the one you built for Max with the clear sides and the glowing lights, only this one is blue, Max's was green. He mailed it back. It is Windows Media Center Driven, no Music Match, no Juke box. I am 100% certain if you were here you would be steamed. Wrong drivers, wrong program, wrong search engine (I might agree because I can't find the scissor sisters).
But then you weren't here to help me were you? I tried, I googled and did all those little computer tricks you taught me, nothing worked. Should I have let it die?
Asked Steve Jones or Mike to help? or done what would get it done in a week?
I chose a week. It's killer I think I like it being on the TV.....
What I don't like is that it is yet another subtle change, another layer of the onion that is peeled away, I just lost another part of you. Yeah the vault was a pain in the ass, yes it took me a gruelling 3 hours to learn how to play one song....but it was your baby. So much of your life was poured into it, and for what really? Because you loved it I guess. And because you loved me.
I miss you so much, someone to rely on to ask these questions of, to reassure me that I am making the right (even if small) decision. Why can't you be here. I know why, but it still feels like you maybe back, that's why I am so afraid to touch anything of yours......when will that stop? Never I hope.
I am having dinner tomorrow with Janet, I like that she keeps in touch, and feel like I am a bitch for not being nicer and getting back to her and other peole sooner, but I guess I am doing the best I can. I like that some people don't give up on me and still want to see me. Other peole don't and I just let them go.....like Linda, she came over Saturday ( a week ago) haven't seen her since July and we used to be so close. I felt like she was observing me, like she wanted to see if I had cracked yet or not. I rewarded her by crying in fromn of her when she asked about how was doing.

Wallowing at Walgreens

I had a meeting at Beverly Gold and Tennis about some fundraiser I am apparently in charge of......Also there was my Financial planner, Donna and Andrea.
Donna is a tall slender and obviously physically fit, impeccably dressed woman. I like her but am always nervous about someone handling Chris' money. When she came into the meeting I was stunned at how great she looked, so put together, next to my schulumpy "I didn't feel like showering look". "Hi Slick" I said (where did that come form, is she slick cause she looks cool, or slick because I think she is tailing my money?). "Oh it's Slick now?" she retorted". I was embarrassed and didn't answer. The meeting didn't last long, and we left in our separate cars in the quickening darkness. Donna drives a BMW convertible, very tight, very expensive, very nice car.
I was behind her in the Golf club drive way I am looking at the back of her car, her taillights glowing red like angry devil eyes. "that's the woman that has all of Chris' money I thought". A giant lump exploded in my throat, then the tears.....crying silently, trying to drive through the rain storm of salt water, no windshield wiper for this deluge.
I make it to the main road, still crying, stopped at a red light, then another, just keeping it together long enough in between stop lights. Finally I can't continue driving I pull into Walgreens, park near the door and let loose, sobbing sobbing ....is this the anger I am supposed to feel? I can't pinpoint what is is I feel, besides a deep sadness and sense of loss. I cry for about 20 minutes hoping no one is looking at me and calls the police. I want to go home, but Mac might still be there and I can't talk to anyone right now, no where to go AGAIN. THIS SUCKS.
Chris left and took all my sense of safety, belonging and comfort. I feel cold, wet and shaky. I want to go home and take every Oxy he left, cover myself with Fentyl patches, drink whatever alcohol I can find and end this. It hurts so bad.....
I won't of course. Max is coming home Friday, he doesn't need this. God help us all if anything happens to him.

Therapy Hour of Power

Met with Stephanie. Felt like Ic ould feel more, much better than the Celexa days. Actually teared up. We talked about my plans for the holidays and the hell it already has put me through.....I was sharing my pain and sadness (not depression). we were trying to formulate a plan for the holidays....what is going to get me through it all.
Going away-----Check DC tripped booked
Canceling Christmas-----have told all my friends NO PRESENTS
Not decorating------Max knows and is OK with it (although I will hear about it later in his life no doubt)
What else to insure my sanity and ensure that I don't off myself.....
Luckily exactly 30 days before Christmas Adam's album drops. I will spend the whole ramp up phase of holidays enveloping myself in the songs, learning their every nuance and watchng the ascent on the pop charts. Is it coincidence...the timing of this right before thanksgiving? A mere month before Christmas? Is it serendipitous that the CD will be out just when I needed it most. Or is further evidence that I do indeed have a dark angel watching over me?
I have already downloaded three songs and they are helping me hang on for the next six days before the debut.

Saturday night fright

Watched the must see "Family Man" last night. Not so much for the
black underware scene as for Nicholas Cage. Chris always reminded me
of Nicholas Cage (this was also confirmed by a few friends of mine)
Maybe it was the height or the skinny legs in black pants with black
boots. At any rate even though it would make for a late night I
decided to watch the whole thing, even though I knew the ending and
much of the dialogue by heart.
So may things in the movie reminded of Chris, as if I was seeing it
for the first time. the way he tells Kate his wife how beautiful she
is, despite being together for 13 years. Chris always remarked how
"youthful and beautiful" I was never seeming to change even after 12
years). The way he kisses her, hard and hungrily on the lips. The
clothes he wears as both the husband/father and the wall street
company president. All remeinded me of Chris, jeans to work, dressing up when he needed too....looking fantastic.
The ending left me in a tsunami of tears, Nicholas is at the airport and she
is leaving for Paris. He stops her at the gate, telling her "we have 2
kids", "we have a house in Jersey", " we have a life";he finally
convinces her to delay her flight for a cup of coffee.
It was as if I was going back in time....and although Chris didn't say
all those things the intent was there. I was a alone; before he met
me. He offered me all those things nad more, he made my house a home
(not in Jersey although Beverly is Jersey to Salem's Manhattan). We
had two children, although they both died before they were born, one
at 5 moths and one at 9 weeks. I had a life with Chris, not unlike the
one Nick and Tea, Jack and Kate did (Jack was going to be our son's
name).
Oh I had a life....... now everyone in it is dead, except me

What happens when you take the Chris out of Christmas?

It's just a mess..............

Driving home, it's not even thanksgiving......and someone on Lothrop Street has their Christmas lights out and on.....Red, green and white mini twinkle lights wrapped in an zig zag pattern on their deck. Oh no, I think, then my eyes well up, and I start to cry silently in the car...Christmas without Chris, I knew it was coming, but now it's here, at least at 101 Lothrop Street anyway. Why? I am trying to avoid this, even booked the DC trip today, although I had to leave Christmas day which means waking up in my empty bed on Christmas morning, oh is that going to suck.
I always HATED Christmas. Maybe it was the drunken mother pulling down the Christmas tree one year, or the fighting and arguing and the inevitable increase in the violence, always a holiday tradition. Maybe it is just the commercialism or that I stink at present buying.
Or maybe my expectations were always too high.
Until I met Mr. CHRIStmas, himself. The man whose birthday (not his fault he would say) was 5 days before Christmas. He was sensitive about not having his birthday presents wrapped in Christmas paper. I knew about this since my sister's birthday was in December, oh I knew his pain and I obliged.
HE reciprocated by making everyone of our 12 Christmases together as magical as the sugar plum fairy and the ghost of Christmas future combined, It was as if could read my mind and pick presents that I sweetly desired or wanted but didn't know they existed.
Everything from trimming the tree with the music blaring to hanging the Santa that spun around the room. He loved it all, his Rudolph "set" "Eat papa eat". The light displays outside that would change every year, the trips to the Christmas eve store, the late nights at the mall, hiding the presents at work, the master of magic.
He made up for every bad childhood Christmas I ever had and then some.
My heart is shredding as I write this, the pain so bright and new, just like a shiny Christmas ball dangling from a pre lit tree.
I feel like the Grinch that has to find a way to cancel all this Christmas mess.....Good Grief I only saw one string of lights and I am as wet as melted snow ball.
It is only going to get worse.
Maybe I should have gone to Israel instead of DC.

Friday November 6th, No place Like Home

Driving home from work, I had all intentions to go to the gym, but I left work late and lost my umph. At first as I made my way south tonight on the dark stretch of 128 all I wanted was to get home. The gym seemed like an unnecessary detour to my destination.It was sharply frigid this evening when I finally left the hospital and walked through the surprisingly black parking lot, feeling a little unnerved, slightly unsafe.
Home I thought would be my safe haven. As I got off the highway I drove by Andrea's house surprisingly dark at 5:30, I imagined them at Acapulco's a place we occasionally would bump into them by surprise or design on a Friday night, my emotional hiccup at the thought of a Friday night with Chris set in motion, a dread of going home to my cold empty and dark house. All of a sudden it was the last place I wanted to be. the the tears started, I have no place to go....I couldn't muster the strength for the gym now I was weeping and soggy, I can't go home, can't face the void left by my husband's death.....what can I do? I have to make the Russian Salad for a birthday party I agreed to attend.....I can't drive around all night....should I go t Salem and walk around? I have no coat, and it is so cold out, should I go sit by the ocean? I drive around aimlessly, feeling bereft, homeless, and as if there is no place that I belong.

roasted chicken with cider reduction over garlic smashed potatoes

Made dinner for myself, from scratch for the first time since......well for the first time. Trying to nurture myself and allow Chris' creation (the kitchen) to embrace me. It was tasty he would have loved it, the perfect combination of sweet and savory. I eat alone, I load the dishwasher alone, I clean up alone,I load the dishtowels into the laundry alone. I wander around the house, is this it? Just me here? I can't believe it, I really can't. I must have seen it coming for the past five years, but I am still unprepared, I am still in shock 7 months and one day later I still want him here and a BIG part of me cannot take it in, cannot accept that it will never be. I feel expectant, holding my breath for the moment when this is all over and the "ruse" will be broken. It feels so new, I had these feelings right after he died, and they really haven't left. I can't stand it. But I can't change it.

therapy hour

I trudge home for lunch after 3 home visit appointments. I barely had the energy to drive to the client's house exit the car and enter their house. I ask my self how can I can continue to keep this up it is so exhausting........ I make it home for luncht 1 PM, I didn't feel like eating or fixing anything, so low energy.I climb into bed......the house is cool and I want to get warm and really don't have energy for much else.... I have to leave at 1:45 to make the 2 o'clock appointment at Hospice. I watch red numbers change on the digital alarm clock, wondering if I can still call to cancel, I am tired of this grief work and all these therapy appointments and all the grief books and writing and thinking and mediating and crying or trying to cry while on an antidepressant....this is like a part time job!!
And I don't need more work hours I need more free time. What would I do with the free hour, probably just lay here, surf the net or the TV. Might as well go, it's only 70 bucks, add that to the $25.00 co pay for the psycho-pharmocologist this morning and I am already in debt for today. I spent more than I earned and can barely get through the day. I mind wrestle with myself, go not go. Finally at the 11th hour, I get up to leave, it is 1:51.
I make it on time, Kelli is running a little late. I sit by the gas lit fireplace, still trying to get warmed up.
Kelli comes and gets me.
We start. I talk about the fatigue and feeling so very tired of all the work that this is, I well up but can't cry. I tell her about Provincetown. I tell her I am tired of reading grief books and that the one I just finished was terrible. I described one of the exercise where you take all of your loved ones clothes and sort them into three piles, 1. must keep, 2. undecided, and 3. toss. I told Kelli that I really not ready to do this. We talked about where I am in the grief journey and although I am tired of all the work I have not traveled far enough down the road to be at the place where I toss Chris clothes. " What does it mean to hang on to them?" Well, I have the feeling that Chris will come back and be upset that I tossed them. "Will he be upset because you didn't believe that he was dead"? "I am not sure.....It's just a feeling that I have about his stuff, and not touching it or disturbing it, a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that he will somehow reappear. It's stupid, he was cremated, he has no body to wear the clothes with, and yet I feel like somehow he will be back". "If you threw the clothes away why would he be mad?" I don't know I just know the clothes need to be there
"You have said that you think Chris is in Nirvana, can Nirvana be a place where Chris can still reach out to you?" I am not sure I will have to think about this maybe read about it or talk to someone. All I know is that it is hard for me to receive "signs". I saw a rainbow in Ptown on November1st, I wanted it to be a sign....but have a hard time believing it. I saw a car the same make and model as Chris and the licence plate was "Ruse". Another sign?
I don't want to be like some of my friends....a good parking place at the mall, a sign from Chris, extra change from the grocery store clerk, a sign from Chris, the weather man is wrong and the day is gorgeous, a sign from Chris. The signs can't be that commonplace! Kelli observes that I have to have parameters around the signs but even when I see them I have a hard time accepting them. I need proof I say. Kelli shares that in order to accept the signs I may have to suspend my logical brain for a moment and open my heart to the signs. If I don't I am missing opportunities for comfort and solace. I will try to be more open I promise, I feel that Chris mind was so amazing that if he could send a sign he would, we never talked about it, although my friend Bob and I talked about it and I see the signs we had talked about all the time, a black crow in the road street lights turning off. I feel confident that it is Bob staying in touch, why can't I feel the same about Chris? Because we never discussed it in detail?
I still struggle with the whole thing, how such a wonderful fully evolved, enlightened perfect person could have been taken at age 50, I sob that he won't live to be old and that i won't get to know him later in life. It's not fair that he was taken from so many people that loved and admired him. What was the purpose of his life then, why only 50 years, only 12 with me?
"What do you think his purpose was"? This is such a hard question.......He came into my life when I was having a hard time being a good parent to Max. Chris taught me how to be a better mom, how not to get so stressed out and not be so hard on Max about trivial things like his sloppy room. He showed me what was important in life, and what was worth letting go. He was always trying to get me to slow down. He made me a better person and a better mother using the 80/20 rule. ( accept that 80% of what you get is ok, let go of the 20% you didn't get).
He also single handedly remodeled my disaster of a house, every room was changed, every window and door was installed by him. And of course his masterpiece the kitchen. How ironic I mused to Kelli, that I now have the kitchen of my dreams and no one to cook for, just like that Christmas story "the Gift" where the wife sells her hair to buy a watch chain for her husband's watch, and he sells his watch to buy her combs for her hair.
Kelli tells me that sometimes our homes are metaphors for our soul, and that Chris changed both my internal world and my external world. The house and the kitchen are reminders of that. That in fact I am wrapped up in his handiwork every time I am home and it is his way of holding me now, he left it to hold and nurture me.
It is apart of our new relationship that we are forging....

a rainbow for rainbow town

Walking the dog, the first day of the Wiccan New Year. November 1st. Walking Commercial Street, the day is warm the sun is up, it is early the first day on non daylight saving time. The light drenches the sidewalk and closed shops, bathing everything in a yellow glow, so dramatic against the dark grey skies leftover form the evening storm. Walking down toward the center of town, not another soul in sight, must be the time change.Aurora pulls me down an alley right by Ptown Pulp......to poop. She does her thing, I look up and behind this huge house is a crystal clear rainbow, even more vivid against the steel grey skies. I stop in my tracks....is this a sign? I want it to be I am just not sure.....how can I be sure, I so want some kind of connection.

Somewhere, over the rainbow, way up high. There's a land that I heard of Once in a lullaby.Somewhere, over the rainbow, skies are blue. And the dreams that you dare to dream Really do come true.Someday I'll wish upon a star and wake up where the clouds are far Behind me.Where troubles melt like lemon drops, Away above the chimney tops.That's where you'll find me.Somewhere, over the rainbow, bluebirds fly. Birds fly over the rainbow,Why then - oh, why can't I?If happy little bluebirds fly beyond the rainbow,Why, oh, why can't I?