Explosion

Sunday.................water the plants, put laundry out (it is amazing how little I have) I notice the grill outside. Chris never liked to leave things out for the winter...I should bring it in. I disconnect the propane (for the first time, it is not so hard) and carry (ouch that hurts my hip) the bottom half of the grill in. I turn to get the tank (where does one store a tank full of propane??) and the lid. On the deck, I turn, I see the handmade corner shelves that Chris made for me to keep my sauces and tools handy when I was barbequing. I gulp, there is a familiar lump in my throat that seems to get a little smaller by the time the tears flow down my cheeks. I want my husband...... I WANT MY HUSBAND! Why isn't here? Why can't he be here? Why do I have to do all this alone? And why am I even bothering? Wouldn't it be easier to just drop the prpane down the stairs? Let the explosion and speactularly finalizing fire happen?
I haven't filled out the LW&T yet, but does it matter? I just want this to be over. Somone make it over. I don't want any of this.......the birthday party for Mac last night that I went to out of sheer obligation, a bunch of Christians, no one I really wanted to be with except for Neal ( he so reminds me of Chris it makes my heart hurt) He gave me a couple of hugs and I thought I would pass out from releif of feeling what it is like to be hugged by a tall geek. I wanted more hugs to take home for me in an emergency....like NOW.