roasted chicken with cider reduction over garlic smashed potatoes

Made dinner for myself, from scratch for the first time since......well for the first time. Trying to nurture myself and allow Chris' creation (the kitchen) to embrace me. It was tasty he would have loved it, the perfect combination of sweet and savory. I eat alone, I load the dishwasher alone, I clean up alone,I load the dishtowels into the laundry alone. I wander around the house, is this it? Just me here? I can't believe it, I really can't. I must have seen it coming for the past five years, but I am still unprepared, I am still in shock 7 months and one day later I still want him here and a BIG part of me cannot take it in, cannot accept that it will never be. I feel expectant, holding my breath for the moment when this is all over and the "ruse" will be broken. It feels so new, I had these feelings right after he died, and they really haven't left. I can't stand it. But I can't change it.