Wallowing at Walgreens

I had a meeting at Beverly Gold and Tennis about some fundraiser I am apparently in charge of......Also there was my Financial planner, Donna and Andrea.
Donna is a tall slender and obviously physically fit, impeccably dressed woman. I like her but am always nervous about someone handling Chris' money. When she came into the meeting I was stunned at how great she looked, so put together, next to my schulumpy "I didn't feel like showering look". "Hi Slick" I said (where did that come form, is she slick cause she looks cool, or slick because I think she is tailing my money?). "Oh it's Slick now?" she retorted". I was embarrassed and didn't answer. The meeting didn't last long, and we left in our separate cars in the quickening darkness. Donna drives a BMW convertible, very tight, very expensive, very nice car.
I was behind her in the Golf club drive way I am looking at the back of her car, her taillights glowing red like angry devil eyes. "that's the woman that has all of Chris' money I thought". A giant lump exploded in my throat, then the tears.....crying silently, trying to drive through the rain storm of salt water, no windshield wiper for this deluge.
I make it to the main road, still crying, stopped at a red light, then another, just keeping it together long enough in between stop lights. Finally I can't continue driving I pull into Walgreens, park near the door and let loose, sobbing sobbing ....is this the anger I am supposed to feel? I can't pinpoint what is is I feel, besides a deep sadness and sense of loss. I cry for about 20 minutes hoping no one is looking at me and calls the police. I want to go home, but Mac might still be there and I can't talk to anyone right now, no where to go AGAIN. THIS SUCKS.
Chris left and took all my sense of safety, belonging and comfort. I feel cold, wet and shaky. I want to go home and take every Oxy he left, cover myself with Fentyl patches, drink whatever alcohol I can find and end this. It hurts so bad.....
I won't of course. Max is coming home Friday, he doesn't need this. God help us all if anything happens to him.