Sitting on the dock of the bay...............

hi Sweetheart,
Just sitting at your desk, waiting for Jim to call me, he had to rebuild the vault. Or do you know that? Something happened. It wouldn't turn on, or it was turning on but not being recognized....I tried to fix it myself....really, hooked up not one but 2 monitors (one "borrowed" from work). The lights were on but no one was home.....kinda like me, the eyes are open but there's no life.....sorry I digress.
Anyway if you don't know this pains me to tell you that with the help of a web cam I dissected the vault, that's tight cover off, and hard drives out. It was quite comical for me, horrifying for you I am sure.
I packed them up and mailed them to ....you guessed it Jim. And he built me a new one, copied every song all 72,000 some, all the pictures onto a terabyte, put it in a mac daddy case, kind of like the one you built for Max with the clear sides and the glowing lights, only this one is blue, Max's was green. He mailed it back. It is Windows Media Center Driven, no Music Match, no Juke box. I am 100% certain if you were here you would be steamed. Wrong drivers, wrong program, wrong search engine (I might agree because I can't find the scissor sisters).
But then you weren't here to help me were you? I tried, I googled and did all those little computer tricks you taught me, nothing worked. Should I have let it die?
Asked Steve Jones or Mike to help? or done what would get it done in a week?
I chose a week. It's killer I think I like it being on the TV.....
What I don't like is that it is yet another subtle change, another layer of the onion that is peeled away, I just lost another part of you. Yeah the vault was a pain in the ass, yes it took me a gruelling 3 hours to learn how to play one song....but it was your baby. So much of your life was poured into it, and for what really? Because you loved it I guess. And because you loved me.
I miss you so much, someone to rely on to ask these questions of, to reassure me that I am making the right (even if small) decision. Why can't you be here. I know why, but it still feels like you maybe back, that's why I am so afraid to touch anything of yours......when will that stop? Never I hope.
I am having dinner tomorrow with Janet, I like that she keeps in touch, and feel like I am a bitch for not being nicer and getting back to her and other peole sooner, but I guess I am doing the best I can. I like that some people don't give up on me and still want to see me. Other peole don't and I just let them go.....like Linda, she came over Saturday ( a week ago) haven't seen her since July and we used to be so close. I felt like she was observing me, like she wanted to see if I had cracked yet or not. I rewarded her by crying in fromn of her when she asked about how was doing.