October

A magical month that holds little magic anymore, I decide to leave for Samhain, can't be in Salem, too many memories. My heart is heavy most of the time, still my hopes for a quiet month in September bled into October, I lie to my friends tell them I am busy, have company coming or that I am at work to keep them away. I come home every night to the couch and the tv. I don't have the searing pain, just a crushing feeling in my chest and a dull pressure everywhere else.
I am .....what? sad? depressed? no just numb.........the tears usually at the edge of my bottom lashes are dried up, they have vanished instead of spilling down my face. Now there is nothing...I think of Chris and I am overwhelmed with the enormity of the loss, and yet the emotions are gone. Is it the the anti anxiety medication? Is it the unrelenting pain in my legs ? the pain that radiates down my leg replacing the daily shredding of my heart that begins anew with each morning awakening to a dark cold and empty house. the bleak dark mornings, the endless night mirror the inside of my soul. Dark more than light, cold more than warm, Welcome Autumn.