Coincidence Part 2

October 9th, 2009
the nines of October
late afternoon
Hospice referral
52 year old man, metastatic prostate cancer. Wife, 2 kids. Nurse says he doesn't want the H word said aloud.

Went into the room did the introductions. Explained about the Hospice referral to the wife, patient was receiving pains medications. I gave them almost the exact same spiel I was given 6 months ago, Hospice may make patient feel better and actually improve his condition (it;s not for the dying in this case, just an extra push so you can continue treatment)
Patient. sits up in his chair and asks me if we can start over because although he was present while I was talking to the wife, he was in pain and getting medication, so he couldn't participate fully in the discussion.
This is exactly what Chris had once done, when the doctors were in and I was doing all the talking. We almost had an argument about it, my take charge can do attitude, up against his thoughtful, methodical way of interacting with health care professionals.
I felt ashamed that I had not honored or respected this man, having gone through this same thing myself just a short time ago. What was I thinking, I know what I was thinking get me in and out of this room as quick as possible so I don't have to see the fear, sorrow, grief and horror in their faces. Plus this man was still in active treatment at Dana Farber, not ready to give up, yet he was on O2 just like Chris 4 days before he died. He looked thin, cathetic, but still handsome. His wife when speaking of the cancer treatments, the blood draws, and the transfusions used the "we are in this fight together" "WE". As in "we" have an appointment next week about a trial drug. "We" need our blood levels to be over 10 (they were 10.8). "We" will agree to Hospice only if we can continue active treatment. I saw and heard what I must have sounded like. Honestly it sounded a bit odd, maybe it was just me, but my thoughts were something like YOU DON"T HAVE THE CANCER HE DOES!!!!! And yet I understood the woman with the binder full of papers and lists and printed out web pages.
In the end they accepted the Hospice referral, with hopes that he would feel up to another trial, another shot at hope.
I memorized his name and wrote a note in my calendar to check the obituaries.