April 23rd 3 weeks

I called Hospice today to see if I could get into the support group
that starts in a few weeks. It is for widows. I spoke to the intake
worker who told me that there was a mandatory 3 month wait, that I was
too raw to be in a group right now.
Too RAW? As if it is ever going to be any less raw, like I would want
it to be any less? Less raw means distance from the death which means
distance from Chris. I am not working and I want to be here, it is
where he last was, the only place I have any hope of seeing or feeling
something. I don't think I am raw I am numb and now I am angry that I
have to wait.....how the hell does she know what is right for me, I
want to be with other widows so we can all be crazy together, I can
meet now in 3 months from now and in another three months. Am I really
supposed to endure this alone? The heaviness on the chest? The pain
that runs through my veins, as if my blood has been replaced by
electrified water hurting and stinging and making my skin feel
charged. I just want this to be over, but I don't know what that
means.....
what will it be like? will I have to forget he even existed? will that
take the pain away? If I dismantle the house and remove everything he
improved, built or took care of, will that make it be over? Erase all
my memories of our time together with and without the unwanted
houseguest named GIST. Will that make it better?
I can't do that, he doesn't derserve to be erased, he deserves to be
here!!! With me and Aurora and with his life, I want him back, he
wants to be back I know he does. Why can't he come back? Because I
burned his body? I think that I might have erased any chance for
possible resurrection, what if they find a cure I could have had his
biody exhumed and somehow re animated him (how frankenstonian).
Now all I have is a box of ashes, nothing to give me hope that he can return.
What if he is reincarnated and comes to get me and I don't recognize
him? would he be a baby? or a puppy? or is he enlightened and smiling
down on me? I want to feel him I want to feel something besides this
cement that fills my body and hurts me from the insdie out.
Oh yes I am too raw for the Hospice Support Group. My grief will scare
them all. And it will oh so much better in 2 months time.