from the beginning on or about March 31- April 1

Trying to have this be in or the beginningsome semblance of order feel like i need to start from the beginning of the end.

He cam home, ( go to Caring Bridge for THAT)
By Monday when the POA lady came he was week sleepy barely could sign the POA's that I didn't need anyway. I felt bad then, like I was making him do tis stupid thing when he had days left. What was I thinking. I cam across the POA's yesterday which is why they must be so effervescent right now. What a shame to wast an hour on that. the signiture looks better than any recent choken scratch ---he had the worst handwriting ( see password book for proof).
Feet swollen, droopy eyes, by wenesday it was scary. I vascilliated between wanting to lay with him and being in the back room crying
* Andrea and Karen (the nurse told me to call Donna
* Andrea nad MJ in the drive way talking
* Andrea telling me that it could be tonught
*disbelief shock, too late oh no absolutley helpless but feel pangs that I should have done something should I still do something recind the DNR (which is still on my night stand almost 2 months later) mostly robotic .
Sisters came tuesday night he was very sleepy very tired.
Max came wensday we (the 3 of us) were in the bedroom Max spoke to me whith Chris present about how much he appreciated having Chris in his life.
Andrea Lindsey to spend the night.

Poopsicle most have been tuesday o Wenesday Nurse says stop all meds he can't sallo really too sleepy give popsicle. He was on edge of bed I was holding posicle and crying Chris said O come on like why was I crying. It was so hard I was so scrared I didn;t know what was happeneing and yet I did I just could't beleive it. I had fleeting thoughts O f wanting it to be over followed by horrifiction that what was i thinking dead is forver....if it is overr he is gone keep him here.....remember my client Donna on hospice still saying : i am hoping for a miracle---thinking how far out that was....and yet I wasn't thinking the same thing, I was just not able to fulling lean into his dying. Even now It pains me to write that.

He had once gotten up to go to the bathroom, even though Karen said that he wd not need to . Getting him off the toliet was monumental. He in his I know this will make things easier if yoou do it my way voice. Asked me to remove the buddha and glass chunk for the sill (the y are still not back nor will they nbe---his hand touched ther) so he could use it to pull him self up. He managed to do it with great diffiuclty, this 6 fot 3 man so weak, yet so elegant in his nakedness using everry ounce of strength just to stand. the tears were stinging my eyes just as they are now as I write and remember.He pulled him self up as if in slow motion so gracefull so deliberate so enginneered. We made it to the bed at last (because I let him do it himseld)
I wish he could have been more awake. I asked him what he was thinking about all this once we got to the bed a mere 8 feet away.
He said it was just shit luck------In my head I am screaming terminal cancer is just bad luck??????????
I started to cry some more but he was slowly loising awareness or was just tired or who knows. I helped him lay back down coerred him up and wathced him sleep or whatever it was that he was doing.