the 49th day

on this day according to the Tibetan Book of living and dying; after mindfully not mourning you loved one you can help them to their new life by meditating and sending them with good karma. Today was a Thursday and I had spent the previous day, Wednesday in bed, vomiting, dry heaving and trying not to go mad from the pain of my first migraine. Tuesday was the idol finale part one. Adam sang 3 song: A change is going to come, mad world and no boundaries........

It's been to hard living, but I am afraid to die, I don't know what's up there beyond the sky.....
Is Chris up there? where is he.He must still be hereon the 49Th day, I help to release him the best I can. I meditate from 5:38 to 6 AM. I feel nothing , no change,no movement. I get up and start the day.
I have thoughts or an awareness of being alone, of Chris not being here and the thought that that is a permanent thing, suddenly that thought collides with the feeling/knowing/realization of the horror of that thought. It blows through me like an icy wind in February and stops all thought, all conscious movement, everything but my breath; each inhale met with wracking sobs. I try to catch myself from the tumble pulled by a grief stronger than gravity. I fall down down the well of utter despair....desperately trying to stop myself and I do before I reach the bottom.
What is the bottom, why am I so afraid to totally drop down into it?