Close to 2 months

Day 56
Woke had a dream last night the second onei have had since Chris left......(left where did that come from?) Of course I told myself to writ it down, of course I didn't something about party planning gone wrong and people with Adam Lambert hair. Next time i will write it down.
I must have had the dream because I spent 5 count them 5 hours last night onn the sofa watching the end of Birdcage ( for the third time) then some Life time movie then Blades of Glory, nothing satisfied, I felt heavy depressed and even googled suicide (how to make it look like an accidnet---weird sites). I finally gave in and watched the Lord Scream Nova perform. It lefied my depression enouh so that I could get up off the couch and go to bed. I left the computer off and drifted to sleep.
Slept til 7 AM a first since Chris' dying woke me up.
I had group today, I was spacing out and in one of my trips out of the group I was thinking .....did I meet marry and fall in love with chris just so I could help him die? Was that why I came inot his life? Is that why he put up with me. loved me? He often said so that he loved me and that he thanked god 9who he did't believe in., rmemeber? for me that he could n't go through all what he had withut me....then i thought i helped him die, and he helped me live....he took an afraid to travel gal and put her on cruise ships and airplanes! He tore her house apart and made it a palace, he made love to her like he meant it, created children, out of love.