P Town

So I decide to come to Carnival.....it was never really a question, having requested the time off back in January before our trip to Vegas. And now I am here with out Chris.
Got here early, wandered around town with Ashley, who drove to P own with me and is staying for a few days. things look the same, a few shops are missing. We have breakfast at Edgeize. It is good, the food tastes ok. Wander some more....I get the joy of seeing P town through the virgin eyes of Ashley, she of course falls in love with it. We check in . reservation under Chris Wiswall.....She can't find it is that with a "G". The last time I will have to hear Griswald mistaken with Wiswall.I well up when I see the paperwork with Chris' name on it. I desperately look for the date that he made the reservation as if we would somehow connect to each other through that paper work. The tears threaten to overflow onto the VISA receipt. Shall I just charge it to the same credit card? Oh no I cancelled that one because Chris is dead!!!! I want to scream, instead I hand her my Visa. Sign, keys and we travel to the room. I am hoping for a connection from Chris in the room or somewhere. He was very particular about the room at the Provincetown Inn. Only the "Cape Tip" rooms. We have 138. I want badly to see it, it is one of the last things he did for us, getting us a room for our annual trip to Carnival. I tell Ashley I could have changed it to a two bedded room but then the connection would have been lost. So we have a room with a King bed, two doors down from last years' number 140.
The room is at they always are, dated but comfortable.
Ashley wants to go to the beach and I am not opposed. We change and pack some books and head to Race Point. It's "free day"....no charge.
We head to the beach and settle in. The beach is beautifully expansive, the water glimmers and the air is salty warm, not too hot just perfect.
I pull out a humorous book, somehow "awaken form your grief" or "You can live after Loss" didn't seem appropriate. I picked Loretta Larouche's "laugh you may only have a few minutes left". I open it and notice that there is bookmark inside it, from Recovering Hearts, downtown P town. I gasp, I remember buying this book last year when Chris and I were here. I remember thinking how I was so scared so frightened of what might be in my path that this seemed like a good thing to get, Some laughter to ease my fear of Chris not beating his cancer.
I started it last year, but didn't get very far. How bizarre that I would bring it one yer later and not remember that I had bought it here, the bookmark jogging my memory back. I read it on this beach a year ago. I tell Ashley the story.....I start to read the book.....and then I hear it inside my head. I am here, I am here, I am here. It's Chris! I really feel that it is him that he is here. I try to talk back in my head to him, Why here? I do not get an answer I guess it doesn't work that way.....we didn't come here all that often. But I sense something......It feels like a calming of my self, a knowing sort of. I am not sure where he is, if it is in my head which is at Race Point, or if it is only at Race Point. Is this where I have to come to feel you to hear you? It is so far from our home, is it because I am quiet and still here in a way that I am not at home. I know that I will have to come back many times during our stay. I imagine moving to P town so I could come to the beach every day to be near him. Huge tears fall down my cheeks staining the pages of the book.
I want to sob, but I don't want Ashley to see.
Maybe I will hear him again.....we will have to come back.