carnival parade

Rituals that we performed together, getting up early driving downtown to set up the chairs, with rocks and props made doubly heavy by the absence of my life partner. Not only did I have to carry the equipment alone, I also had to carry the memories and the sensations of memories. We were such a great team and now I am a "solitary". That's the name I picked for myself....my new mantra. It makes it seem less like I am the half of something, more of a singleton, instead of a pair. So sad this solitary life, so singular.
So i place the chairs only 2 this time one for me and one for Lynne who will be down later. The reserves signed taped, and I wander Commercial Street, not wanting to head back to the hotel with the extra large King bed, so big it feels like Montana to sleep in. I wander the nearly deserted streets, thinking how hopeless I must look, tears streaming down my face walking rather slowly as it is already hot out. The emotional energy that it took to do this alone far out weighs that actual caloric expenditure of the work. I feel depleted, achy inside and oh so desolate.
I pass our favorite breakfast place.....all the tables are filled with twosomes, I feel like I do not belong here anymore and that maybe this was a mistake, I want to leave I don't want to see the parade and the infectious joy of life it brings down commercial street, like a freight train of happiness spilling on to the spectators, screaming we are alive and we are happy!
I don't think I will be able to bear it and the joy that spills out onto me will feel like acid burning away my skin and flesh. Maybe I should call Lynne and tell her to turn around, or maybe she will distract me enough to make be able to breath. I walk back to the chairs.....usually I am maniacal about checking them, today I don't care. A homeless man is sitting on the bench, he asks me if I have a cigarette, I tell him know and sit down for a bit, my hips so painful from the weather and the walk. He asks several passersby and no luck. I ask what he smokes, he says Marlboro Reds, I go to the drug store and buy him a pack. I give them to him he thanks me saying he has no money......He asks me if I want one, I decline (not my brand....).
I finally go back to the hotel, Lynne will be here in a few minutes, I lay on the bed, write a few things down that I want to remember to blog about and wait.
When she comes it is hard to see her at first, she and Chris were so close, but I am close to her as well, not in a known you as long as high school, but known you as long as Chris kind of way.

We decide to hit the stores (the nth time for me) we have lunch at waydowntown, I get teary eyed this was our "go to" place. She understands she gets it.

Finally it is parade time....Peace Love and Go Go boots, The parade seems faded, the music isn't as loud, the colors not as vibrant. The folks on the floats are gyrating and dancing but to be it seems vapid. It is as if I am watching it on a television where the sound is somewhat muted, and the color is off. Have I sucked all the joy out of the parade. I admit I wanted to feel that celebratory communion, but I feel flat. I don't feel Chris, I don't feel anything.
If only Adam Lambert had shown up.......