A New Year

I had therapy with Kelli Wednesday, we talked about how hard the holidays were, DC and the upcoming NYE. I really thought the worst was over, I said. How do you feel about it not being 2009 anymore? she asked. Hadn't thought about THAT one. So it will be 2010. Not a year that Chris ever lived in, a year that I will be in alone without him. Surreal. I imagined it to be like a ship sailing away, the year 2009, that last year he was alive. As I write this I can't believe that it is still true. How can it be? And yet I get up every day, go to work every day, talk to and see friends every day. Fed the dog, water the plants, do laundry, grocery shop, eat drink, shower. I carry on. And yet how do I?It still feels like I am floating on the surface of life, getting the to do list done. But if I dive below the surface and am still and think about things, like 2009 not being the year anymore and Chris not being in it, the pain is still so real, my mind can't seem to wrap around the idea of it.
My plan for NYE (never a big deal) was to stay home and drink a few beers and go to bed. For some reason I changed my mind and Max and I went to see the new James Cameron movie "Avatar"...in 3D. I wanted to go for Chris, a huge James Cameron fan.
Max wanted to see it too. As we head to the movies the radio is playing softly, and we are just making small talk. Something searingly familiar hits my ears, what is that song? It hits me! It is Adam on the radio WDYWFM (What Do You Want From Me)! I can't believe it. I interrupt Max mid sentence and turn up the volume. It is true; he is on the radio! This is the first time I have heard Adam over the airways. I beep the horn with excitement (Max tells me to calm down).I note the time 6:18PM. Is this a gift from Chris, I go see Avatar, you can hear Adam on the radio? I have just gone from flat to 3 D!
As I sat in theater watching it I wondering, if he could see it because I was seeing it. Can I do things that he would want to do to make them possible for him. He so loved movies, (and he taught me to love them). There are so may movies he wanted to see, that he didn't live long enough to enjoy. This of course would have been the biggie. I was never a sci fi fan, but I enjoyed the movie, occasionally wiping back a tear or two at the thought that if he can't see the movie through my eyes then I am sad that he is missing it. All crazy delusions that I have some control or don't have control. I concentrate on the movie, it is easy to slip into the fantasy world of Pandora.I want to be a Navi, I want to leave this worlds and be part of Pandora.

Max enjoys the movie, everyone claps at the end (Chris LOVED when that happened).
Max is hungry so we go fro crappy Chinese food, I can barely eat, I try to get through the grease fest and the crowded loud restaurant, it s after 10 PM and the patrons are well on their way to ushering in NYE, Mai's Tai's are flowing, I want one, but am afraid to have one and drive home.

When we get home I flip through the TV channels but end up in bed well before midnight.
Happy New Year, Chris. I look forward to the next movie......