Chris' birthday. Snowing, we have 12 inches already. I can' deal.I do quick chores all day (while looking for my lost checkbook) Check the files, rearrange the files, gather the etrade documents, I clean out a drawer, check bank balances (in case check book was stolen.) Check Etrade look for cost basis (whatever the fuck that is) banter with Bill in emails (Chef Bill, who is having a Hanukkah bash in Amherst), actually consider driving 2 hours to Amherst, talk to Chris' mom (neither of us can stay connected too long, too painful).
Finally, Finally I sit down to write. The ache in my heart becoming more painful with each key stroke. Unable to be ignored or chored away I have to face it. And yet I can't. It will be 9 months in a week, and I am still in a state of shock, I can't believe he is gone. I try to look at some pictures, I can't do it, he is mostly always smiling in the pictures (its what people being photographed do) and I want to smile back but my face cracks and the tears come down filling in the cracks with hot wetness.
I can't even do this, write, I start to feel anxiety and panic. No where to go nothing to do. Last time I took an Ativan I puked for 2 days, too afraid to do anything. I go to the couch and lie down.
I can't do this anymore, I just can't. I want to go outside and fall in a snowdrift and disappear. Maybe the plow guy will push me around and I won't be found until spring.
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