I can't remember Christmas

I worked a party with Chef Bill last night.....big house in Marblehead, very tastefully decorated for Christmas, pink roses stuck in pine boughs, small Christmas catus in siver tulip vases. Very elegant, very nice. The tree was was adorned with only glass ornaments, no garland and white lights. It was as if I decorated the house.
The party was huge and it was non stop. At the beginning of the party the patriarch of the house, was turning on music, small stereo somewhere. I marveled at how with all these decorations, catering, cases of wine he didn't have a whole house sound system or a vault. Made me miss/appreciate Chris.
I woke up this morning paying the price for being on my feet for 7 hours, hobbling around....Thinking back to the pretty MarbleHead house. I try to remember what Christmas was like last year. BIG MISTAKE.
I bring Chris' computer to life, and look for the back up picture albumns, I know they are all on the vault I just don't feel like going through all the turning on of the tv nonsense. And anyway I just want a quick peek (it's kinda like biting on a sore tooth, I know it is going to hurt, I just can't stop).
I click over to the picture file....there they are Christmas 2008. Is that right?
Just a year ago. Of course, Chris was the picture taker, so there are no pictures of him. But oh what is that? video? of what. Click takes me there. Chris is videoing the dog doing her mad Christmas paper war. She takes all the paper on the floor and pretends it is some fend-less prey and has at it. Chris loved that part of the day, his wild child acting the beast she can be.
I hear his voice..."What are you doing?", "get it get the paper".
I crumble, the tears come and I am helpless to stop it. That was a year ago? Really?
How can he be so present digitally, His voice sounds so wonderful, yet so so painful to hear. It almost hurts my head to hear it, but again I cannot stop. The videos are short, taken with the digital camera. There are about five. At one point I am on the phone and ask Chris a question. I hear the conversation, the back and forth. Oh My God I want that so much I just want to talk to him. Even if he can't be here physically I just need to to talk to him, to know he is here for me. The need is so real I feel it physically, It is an ache a longing, a pulling from my heart, a want, a crave, a need so real I feel it so present. The unmet need turns to pain. The pain is excruciating I am gulping air and trying to breathe as I type this. I feel like I am suffocating and I want to just give in and slump over. Stop breathing just end this fucking nightmare. Why ? What the hell is the meaning of all of this.
In the video Aurora helps Chris unwrap his unicycle. He wanted one, he asked for it in one of his infamous "this is what I want for Christmas and no I don't think it's tacky to be specific" list.
The unicycle represented hope for the Spring. He would get better, we would find a GIST toxic drug, finally and he would ride the unicycle as he had as child. The unicycle is downstairs in the box with dog teeth marks on it. He never opened the box or had the chance to ride it.
We never had a chance after the diagnosis. We were so stupid, chasing a cure, we should have chased a life.
I miss him so much it is so searingly painful, it hurts worse now than it did right after he died. The pain is fresh, made more so by the holidays and the death of his sister.
I have to get up I can't stand it anymore. I go to the kitchen where the files I have been working on or all over the place. I should clean up before the day is shot. I think about putting on some music and think Chris would have been playing Christmas music non stop as he did on every weekend in December.
I think I will work in silence, the only sounds coming from my sniffles and the icy wind outside. Maybe I can freeze my heart so it is hard like the ground and I won't have to feel this burning pain.