Awakening Part 2

At the funeral home. There are flowers everywhere. Donna tells me that Jenn hated flowers thought they were a waste (just like me!!) She would have hated all the flowers.
Jenn is in her coffin, no wig (another thing my mother in law thought Jenn wouldn't like. Darryl seems intent n having his wife buried bald. Not sure why am thinking it is something along the lines of "this is what cancer did to my wife" sentiment.
Oh well, I am sure where ever Jenn is she doesn't care about all this. I wish I could share the common belief that she is in heaven, or someplace with Chris but is just not there. Maybe I am a hard core Buddhist. Just nothingness......
I won't go near the casket, nt up to the kneel-er. I stand off to the side, it doesn't look like her at all, her skin is mottled like Chris legs were when he was alive, a sign of death coming I later learn. (are you all checking your legs now?)
The family lines up,I haven't resolved whether or not I want to be in line or not, no matter the Wiswalls insist and I stand next to Jess. And it begins.
We stood for 5 and half hours, the line stretched out the door, down through the parking lot, around the building around the corner and down the street. I twas incredible. Some folks stood in line for over 2 hours to pay their respects. The line never stopped moving I must have shook hundreds of hands an hour. Old jhands, arthritic hands (many of the those) rough hands, soft hands, gloved hands, scratchy hands, dirty hands, slippery hands, calloused hands, cracked hands, smelly hands, perfumed hands. I began focusing on the hands. So many people......many of whom sped through the line (after waiting for two hours I think they wanted to get out of there). The quickly shook hands saying "I am so sorry", "sorry for your loss" "condolences". I seemed endless. It was endless.Many people had not seen me since Chris died, and since I didn't participate in this ritual of saying good bye to a corpse I missed out on all this. And I am so glad. If anything it served to validate that I made the right decision. How is Darryl doing this? How can he possibly stand this, stand so close to his wife's dead body and not want to jump in with her? How can he stand next to his crying children and not want to destroy the parlor, break all the vases, ruip of the flowers. Must be on triple strength Ativan.