back to bed

I am in familiar territory and I don't like it.
Again I am staying in bed until the last minute before I need to leave to go anywhere. Pushing the envelope, coming home in between clients to climb into bed.
Exhausted, unending fatigue fills my body like thick corn syrup, invading my joints and making them ache and move painfully, causing me to move at a snail's pace. This is where I was in May, 7 months ago, a month after Chris died. Now it is a month after Jenn died, and I am back at square one. It seems to have dulled the fresh pain feeling and now I am numb again. I don't understand why at all, but I know all about this strange land of flat emotionless landscape. I barely notice the Christmas lights, as I drive, oh I see them, their laser beams seem to bounce off of me. Am I becoming too numb to life because of all the caner deaths? Or am I just adding an extra layer of protection I approach the Trinity of holidays-Chris' Birthday, Christmas and New Years that all occur within a ten day period? I haven't been numbing myself with the elixir (Bud Light) so maybe this is a natural substitute?
I know this place, I have been here and I didn't like it the first time. I want to feel the pain, hold it, know it. It is the only way I feel close to Chris. I feel the pain of his loss acutely, therefore he must have just been ripped from my life, my arms. Therefore he must be close by and there is chance I can feel him.
This is fucked up thinking. I know it but I embrace it.
I still can't shake that "he will be back" feeling. I don't dare touch his clothes or his desk files, I even mused that he would read all this someday. Or maybe he is reading it now. Not even mad that I have started to use his computer to do do my writing. It is the best of the 7 we have!
I can't believe I am even upright this morning. Aurora got me up at 5:30 and I stayed up thinking I might be able to write if I stay awake. I will pay for this later during my killer day of 12 clients, 12 home visits on what is supposed to be the most frigid day thus far. And it's not even winter yet.
But my heart is frozen solid.