first snow.............

Andrea and Steve are leaving. I cooked them dinner from the cookbook Steve brought me when Chris was in the hospital. It was a wonderful gift, It is a huge cookbook very technical and way beyond my capabilities, I thought.
I cooked Steve and Andrea a dinner from that book tonight, tomato tart are and haricot verts salad, venison with braised shallots and pan seared butternut squash ho made coffee ice cream
It is an amazing feat, ands amazing feast. I cooked all day, I enjoyed that part although I was missing Chris terribly. He would be checking in and doing the "cleaning" of the house to prepare for outr guests. I didn't bother, the dog hair dust bunnies will be an uninvited guest.
Steve and Andrea seem to really enjoy the food, Ithought it alittle flat but when tasted all together some of the elements were ok. I wondered if Chris would have liked it....too many tomatoes, in the tar tare and in the tomato diamonds that were in the brunoise (braised shallots and leeks and carrots with a moulage of butter).
We watch the Bon Jovi special I had recorded for my sister in law. I think it is good, I don't know much about Bon Jovi but he seems really talented.
AS they leave it starts to snow, I start to panic. Not the first snow without Chris, I am not ready for this a new first. I am sad my heart is as heavy as the snow that is clinging to every branch and lateral surface it can find.
I shut off the lights, I try to blog, I can't I am crying. I don't want to be here alone in the dark, cold house with the snow outside. I imagine a real Nor'easter coming and what will that be like to be here by myself. Maybe it will be like the other night when there was so much wind and noise I stayed up almost all night.