Feeling Good

Rat Pack Week.

Adam sings "Feeling Good". I never heard the song before;

Birds in the sky, you know how I feel

(suicidal)

Stars in the sky, you know how I feel

more suicidal.

Reeds drifting on by.....

you get the idea.

If everyone knows how I feel why do they keep asking, oh because they are stupid or uneasy or they have never experienced the searing Freddy Kruger has been scraping my heart kinda of pain.

Sleep in Peace when the day is done.......
ha! like I could ever get a nights sleep now.......waking all the time
I feel like CRAP.

I watch Adam singing this song it IS beautiful with the pink stairs......( my mind flashes to my mother in law who surrounds herself in the breast cancer fighting color.... Pink always reminds me of cancer........

I am transfixed more by the performance the words don't fit at all in what has been a weekly ritual of song/lyrics/mood lighting matching mine so perfectly

I will never ever feel good ever. I can't laugh or feel even the slightest bit positive ever again. And yet watching and more importantly listening to Adam and feeling him feeling good lightens my mood a little at the very least it offers an hour of away from my grief time. The blazing white suit makes him look almost angelic.....the stairs.....like a stairway to heaven. Is this a message from Chris? Is he in heaven and free from the foot and mouth sores, the post surgical pain the never ending "digestive unrest". Am I supposed to feel good knowing that he has escaped the pain of this earth? Am I supposed to feel good that he is trouble, pain and problem free? He has no cancer now.....The cancer won, but he has escaped it by not being in a place where cancer exists. Of course the fact that he has left has created devastation in my heart and mind. My life will never be about feeling good. I can't imagine a life with any good...at least right now.

Freedom is mine and
I know how I feel.

I guess knowing how I feel is better than being numb......although the numbness of the first days and hours after Chris died was better I think. I didn't know how I felt I couldn't feel. But now I know just how I feel. It's a new day, it's a new day ............
after the apocalypse of Chris last breath.