day one

Chris died this morning at dawn. Cambell's Funeral Home came and picked up the body at 9, my sister wanted to see him before he was taken away, they unzip the bag that held his body for her, I am not sure which was grayer, his face or the bag. I gazed at the face of the man I had loved for 12 years and it was already, after a few hours unrecognizable, sunken, the color of the tired snowbanks that line the road after a long winter. I felt nauseous. Today is Thursday. The minions....so many friends, are here and are in and out all day. I am somewhat aware. We have already gone to the funeral home. Laurie is planning the "celebration" what a bizarre word.......She asks me about food, flowers......huh? here's 1200 bucks leave me alone.
I drink as soon as I can (in the afternoon, Donna is here she is staying I am glad. Kathy brings food over, of people start coming, those that wanted to come over and see him Jake, Steve Mike. All the folks I put off yesterday... I din't want a crowd of people gawking at my sweet Chris. come Steve came and left too many people drinking and "partying" he felt it was inappropriate, and maybe it was. None of the engineers could get the music playing. The precious,magnificent Vault the computer with 6000 albums was eerily silent at this large impromptu party. I had my wind up radio.....finally Steve got it going....we had tunes. I still had no idea how but . We played __________over and over. Kathy brought meatballs mac and cheese and chicken and rice. It was a long night I was tired but drunk so I did not feel the searing pain to come...........................................