Harborside support group April 4th 48 hours

Day 4
April 4th
Harborside Support Group 48 hours

All the minions decided that I should go to my regular support group.
I emailed Stephanie: On Apr 3, 2009, at 5:13 PM, Karen Tompkins wrote:
Hi
Just wanted to let you know that Chris passed on Thursday.
I will be at group on Saturday
K
I read that now with disbelief that I could even type. And what is
with the "passed"?
I hate that word.......it seems to sanitize the word died or death. He
didn't pass anything he failed......he died. We didn't pass the cancer
card to someone else we took it and along with it the prize of death
for Chris and eternal suffering for me.
Passed?
I went to get into my car to drive to group, my car was blocked in so
I took Chris' convertible. It was as it always was, clean no hint of
what he was listening to when he last drove it. I turned on the
radio......our wedding song from our second reception at home (for all
the nitwits that didn't go to our Caribbean Wedding).Super tramp
.....I have to grip the wheel hard to hang on to the car, my vision is
blurred by the hot molten tears that flood my eyes. What am I doing?
Searing pain, like Freddy Kruger is tearing my heart to shreds.
I get there
I park
The song ends.
I go into group......the last time I was here was two weeks ago.
Christ, has it only been two weeks? We had booked Florida, first class
We were supossed to leave the 5th...tomorrow. All cancelled.
I sit, I tell them Chris died Thursday, they all cry, I tell them the
whole story, the hospital, the hospice, the death I cry, they thank me
for coming, although I am not sure why. Do they like seeing raw pain? I
feel like I have been eviscerated and my guts are lying there for all
to see. I feel like my insides are showing like raw beef, all bloody
and drippy red on the green carpert of the therapsit's office. It is a
slow drip but very bloody nonetheless. They don't seem shocked, just
very sad. Robin seems surprised at my strength (I do not feel
strength, if I had true strength I would kill my self and be done with
this pain.....)