Mad World April 7th

Mad World
April 7 2009
gone 5 days

2 days after the "celebration"

Watching AI .....the absolutely only thing that gets me out of bed for an hour. The only thing that stops the suicidal thoughts for one out of 23 hours. The theme is songs from the year you are born. None of the performances were memorable except the one we did not see. Adam's. The show ran over and the DVR stopped recording. After frantically surfing the net we found Adam's Donnie Darko version (Chris bought that movie for Max) of Mad World. We were transfixed. I watched it over and over that night and again the next day sobbing especially hard at the line "the dreams in which I am dying are the best I ever had."

I wanted to die then and there, so bad. But somehow watching Adam sing that song with that feeling of longingly wanting to die yet acknowledging that it is a mad world, I felt bolstered somehow by the shared pain. I wouldn't have to kill myself this week

All around me are familiar faces. I see the same old people places and things, yet they all look different some how, worn out tired like me. Death colors everyone and everything with a brush of blah, a greyness a colorlessness, like a faded photograph the colors seem to recede.

Going nowhere, Going nowhere. Like me, I am going nowhere, I don't go to work or to the store I just stay here all day all night. Living for two hours of TV a week. Otherwise in bed, sometimes with the TV on, although nothing seems to register.

Their tears are filling up their glasses, no expression. Hide my head, I want to drown my sorrow, no tomorrow no tomorrow.

I cry so much Lindsey thinks I am dehydrated and that's why I have headaches and >body aches.

My head hurts so much I hide it under pillows, under ice packs and bags of frozen vegetables.

I think about drinking myself to oblivion, but it seems like too much effort to even go get a beer or pour a glass of something.

I find it very hard to take.....

The pain of the loss is so excruciating that it seems unbearable. so much so that I cannot let my mind go there I have to keep distracting myself with stupid useless things like TV and cleaning out the gadget drawer. and then the mail comes with the usual assortment of ads and bills and oh more sympathy cards. Will they ever stop. I hate them and their useless tired sentiments.
He is in a better place ----oh yeah where the fuck is that? He fought a brilliant fight ......and LOST. How brilliant was it? He could fix anything anything.......he was a master of puzzles, problems and challenges, but not this one. Was it too close? Was it t lethal or did we just use the wrong tools....conventional medicine instead of holistic, alternative? Why can i never know the answer to that question. and will I ever stop blaming myself for running in circles in a mad world?