If I Can't Have You

Disco night on AI. Adam Sings the Bee Gee Saturday Night Fever Classic If I Can't Have You.
Don't know why I am surviving every lonely day.
I don't know why I even wake up in the morning, I have nothing to get out of bed for, no reason to even breathe. Long and lonely days and nights are what I face. How am I surviving every day? The pain is impossible, the memories, the guilt, the self recrimination all combine to make Emery day a struggle. Still not back at work, wandering from room to room, laying in bed watching useless tv.
When there's got to be no chance for me my life would end.
There is no chance that I will be happy again, none at all, my life has ended. I am a mere worker bee. Working two jobs and making enough money to take care of Max and his future. I have no future, nor do I want one. He will be very comfortable with what I can leave him. I said to him the other day that I wanted to die and he said he felt sick at the thought, maybe half a million would help that....
And it doesn't matter how I cry, my tears of love are a waste of time.
I do you love Chris and miss you although sometimes it is hard to cry and then when I do I stop myself before I circle the drain. Before I was widow I had an intolerance of time wasters, now I am a pro at wasting time, spending all day watching movies....one day is was Girl interrupted, Pretty Woman (for the 100th time) and the Bird Cage. Some wild assortments.
If I turn away can't let go and it doesn't matter how I try.
I feel like I can never let you go, I can never turn away I can never stop hoping that this is all a nightmare, a cruel hoax, perpetrated by some evil evil people. I do not know why I just have the feeling that this is a suffering I must master. If I do you will be back and I will collapse in your arms, exhausted form the struggle with my grief, exhausted for the sleeplessness in our bed. I still cling to "my side" although I guess it is all mine now.
I gave it all so easily to you my love, to dreams that never will come true.
You were so easy to love, for you gave me so much, in time, treasure and talent. I can't believe in the deepest recesses of my soul that I was so loved, and yet never will be again.

Am I strong enough to see it through? Go crazy is what I will do.
I think I am already crazy. Not in a clinical way but in a fucked up thinking kind of way. I am on a roller coaster of thought. The only thing that centers me is the music or the image of Adam. For some reason he calms me down. Even in this song, it's like he has been through this or that he expresses the pain that I feel RIGHT NOW.

If I can't have you, I don't want nobody baby, If I can't have you.