Other people

6/3/09
Other people.
Yesterday was two months 60 days. 11 days past his entre into the world of Enlightenment. I have settled that he has reached the enlightenment because I do believe that he possessed so many qualities that were in line with a perfect Buddha, he could not have possibly transitioned to another being. What did he have to learn? He knew all the lessons about life and peole and what matters most......and if he is enlightened I do not have to worry about him taking on the form of some baby born on May 21st, let alone any other sentient being. I on the other hand have much work to do if I am ever to join him and escape coming back as a cow.
Lindsey called. Upset. She wanted to come over last night I said no I needed to be alone....dinner out? For what nothing to celebrate only to mourn and grieve. And now that the 49 days are past I feel that I can grieve without the worry that I am holding him back. I suppose there is more to that but I haven't cracked my buddha books in a while.
Anyway I canceled my night of Dexter, Mac and Ashley, and waited I could have gone to bed by the time she arrived “for beers”. I had lemonade in my beer can (yes I dumped a beer out!!!) just didn't want to drink, it just makes me cry harder.
Lindsey misses me (I miss her too) and wishes she had a night or a day neatly scheduled with me.
I don't schedule these things people just show up, cooking me dinner, watching a Tuesday show ( we had to replace Idol with something, although can replace Adam, and sometimes we re watch his performances. I am now caretaking, not a role I want or strive for, but it is baby wiz ( her nickname from Chris form the many years she was our date for dinner and a movie). I'll try I promise knowing I will in some way try to reach out more although that was never my nature and it is excruciating now.
Reachin out means touching someone, being vulnerable, having to explain what it is I need, when the only thing I need or want is for Chris to be here, or I to be wherever he is. Can anyone do that for me?