June 15th

74 days
I was making the bed last at night.....washed the sheets that were limp from a weekend in bed. I thought that this is the third time the sheets have been washed and the bed remade since he is gone. We always did it together before going to bed and relished in the clean and momentarily dog hair free experience. our nightly kiss seemed sweeter when the sheets were clean and the room returned to its spa like cleanliness. (the sheet changing time always triggered a cleaning tirade for the bedroom for me).
I remember Andrea washing the sheets after they took his body away in the hearse. I wondered what was on them. Sweat? The last perspiration of a dying man. Water from his body leaching out onto the bed, DNA tears. He hadn't eaten or drank anything significant in days.....the last thing he might have had was the raw food vegetable soup I made. He did not finish it, it is still in the fridge. I can't throw it away. In group they said to put it in the garden, but that would just encourage the weeds to grow more.
I fell or lapsed into bed. Decided to try mediation again with headphones......lie there on my side with the other side of the bed so absent so vacuous like the air had been sucked out of it.
I can barely concentrate to the sounds on the CD my mind reviewing for the millionth time his last moments, the struggle then the silence. The silence now is the same.