jumba

6/10/09Andrea and Steve coming for dinner; Mac invited them. And told me via text only now it is me cooking because Mac can’t be there til 6:30.When will I learn? Don’t want people here waste of time.I decided to walk the dog to at least get some exercise in. Listeningto scissor after Adam. Heard the song “The Other Side”
What will one dayBecome of usWe'll grow as grass under their feetNo one here will ever know your nameAnd you still lie here next to me
If it takes another lifeI'll wait for youOn the other sideEverything that comes to meAs goodBelongs to youI'll count our blessings as IWait for youOn the other sideGood luck and I will see you through
Get used to thisYou're going to be alrightThe world goes on with or without meIf I don't ever leave a thing behindI'll still leave you without me
If it takes another lifeI'll wait for youOn the other sideEverything that comes to meAs goodBelongs to youI'll count our blessings as IWait for youOn the other sideGood luck and I will see you throughCried the whole time walking, listening crying. Got home turned on thevault for some relief from my boy and started dinner. Decided to havea couple of beers to settle down. It worked.Was numb and able to finish making the jambalaya and salad as Mac andSteve trickled in. Andrea wanted Samantha to tell me something, butSamantha was not cooperating. She did eventually tell me that she wasgoing to be a big ____? I surmised it was sister and that Andrea waspregnant. I immediately calculated in my head when Andrea must havegotten pregnant was it 49 days after Chris died? Was this to be hisincarnation?How ironic the couple he encouraged to stay apart even telling Steveto “run like the wind” during one of their early, dramatic and timelimited “break ups”…. Now they would become the vessel for him to bereborn. Andrea said she was due on the 20th of January----andmentioned the whole one person dying and a soul being reborn…..
I move throughout dinner and clean up in a fog. Where is Chris? Whereis he why can’t I reach him, or why can’t he reach me? I just want totalk to him I scream in side as I pass the rice. No one seems tonotice I am welling up, perhaps they chalk it up to the spicy shrimpsauce. I keep playing songs on the vault that I can know operate likea pro or at least half as good as Chris. God when these will peopleleave I think as Andrea gets dessert ready. Something I would not havetouched except for the fact that I now have sufficient alcohol in mysystem that something sweet is appealing. Savory girl turns sweettooth….just add BUD light!I share my 3 hour ordeal getting the vault turned on with Steveincluding the mysterious appearance of Alanis Morissette in the Fdrive (is that F for Fuck you Karen?)He appears smug and tells me he can get it fixed so that the vault canread my disk drive. Why bother I ask? It’s working now and I think Iwill keep it this way. Besides no one touches Chris stuff anymore.
Finally they leave I start the clean up making love to my gas cook topwith the magic cleaner and magic cloth. Of course this is the partthat gets bittersweet. Chris unused to ask me if I was cleaning orcaressing the kitchen parts. I do live it or did, now I look around ateverything he built and it feels like I don’t want to be near it. Orlike I want to seal it off with plastic a kind of Smithsonian tributeto the masterpiece of his renovation talents. If only.I worry that something will break or get stained and I won’t be ableto get it to look like it did when he finished. I haven’t had amishaps but I am sure the time will come.
I make a play list called missing Chris with the Scissors sisters AJoan Jett song and of course Michael Bolton. It is during the Bostonblast of missing you that Gary stops over. (Aha so the parade ofstrange people showing up at odd times and days has not stopped.
Gary was the architect for the infamous 3rd floor that we were to addto the house but which we both silently abandoned because we both knewwithout sharing with each other where the cancer thing wasgoing…….going to a place where a third floor was unnecessary and wouldonly plunge me into debt. It was a nice dream……..and it would havebeen spectacular. But it was not meant to be.So Gary comes in with graham his Shepard dog. (Aurora is so excitedthat another dog is in the house she pees on the floor!He just figured out that Chirrs is dead….noticed cars in the driveway,out of state plates, cars in the driveway. He knew Chris was sick andso he had a hunch---goggled Chris and saw the obit. He was shocked,numb and shocked. So of course the natural thing to do is bother thewidow, right? At ten o clock at night when stoned (he reeked) I lethim in, offered him a beer……after all his little marina is the key tomy water view. It sits on the water directly across the street formthe Love Shack (Chris pert name for house conviently numbered “52”after the B-52’s-after all it’s all about the music.
So Gary has some leftover red wine, and wants to hear about the death.I tell him the short sanitized version. He was sick, went into thehospital, came home and died.After awhile Gary asks so what else is new? My husband is DEAD Iscream in my head…..what more could be exciting for me? I redirect. Imake him listen to Adam. I show him Adam magazines, more Adam, morecompare and contrast: Led Zeplin Adam’s version; Johnny Cash: Adam’sversion. HE is at first blown away, but wants to hear an Adamoriginal. I try to explain the American Idol concept ( it’s a singingcompetition and they do covers) he wasn’t having any….still insist heneeds to hear a Lambert original song (don’t we all) OMG I am justfueled into getting him to concede that Adam is the greatest singer ofall time, I speak of octaves, ranges b (a) notes. Nothing impresses.Ok I pull up Citizen Vein “circle” he likes it although it is you tubeand computer speakers, not the surround sound. He does offer acompliment. He says Adam has a great voice ok !! Now you can go home Ithink.He eventually does after ooohinh and ahhhing about Chris masterpiecethe kitchen, he had never seen it. He remarks what a great guy Chriswas how smart, how special (is he trying to make me cry?)
He fiannly leaves and I go straight to bed leaving the rest of themess until the morning.