Surfacy

6/4/09
Surfacy.
It seems somewhat easier to just lightly skim the surface of life to stay on the top edge of reality....what is happening right now, while I am in traffic, what is the car ahead of me doing, is the light green, what is Howie Carr or Matt Siegel talking about....don't think, don't dive beneath the surface of what is just the perception in front of me. For if I do have that moment of submersion it cause me to gulp for air as if my head were shoved under water unexpectedly. I gulp in the water with realization that I am alone and I choke, not sea water but my own salty tears as they stream down my cheeks landing in the corners of my mouth. He is not here, he is not at home he is never going to be by my side again, another gulp of air as I try to catch myself from falling down the vortex of despair, where surely if I let go I will descend into the abyss of sorrow the pain so searing that it will scar my mind and I will lose my grip on the surface of the casual fluff that makes up most of our days. Part me does not care, I could willingly go down the vortex and land in a sea of despair which would drown me forever. Ending this cycle, this roller coaster ride in the dark where I know not when the next high or low will be. I just know I can never get off this ride........The life I left when I got on I long gone and I do not want a new one, I want no other life than the one I had. Impossible relationships .....my special gift (Richard Gere Pretty Woman).