ring of fire

sitting here in front of the fire,I think as I so often so, what would you think of the 500 dollar chimenea? I debated buying it for so long.... It is nothing you would have enjoyed or would you have?
Sitting out side in the nippy fall air the wind stirring the leaves into a nice woozy back ground.
The fire barely warming my toes but smelling nice.......
I have been out here since 6 it is almost 7 grey day skies have melted into a deep periwinkle.
I am here but you are not.I cried on the way home just because I am one now and not two, not part of you....you know how much I miss you still ? It will be half a year soon, I can't believe it a whole half of a year..............where did it go, how did I survive and how will I survive the coming shorter days, longer nights, cold winds and cold beds. I think I am in for it, now, here comes the really hard part....the cold, bleak New England winter, the outside will match my inside and somehow that will be wrong, the synergy will be too great and it will destroy me. So be it.
So mode it be.
My therapist thinks I am depressed. I have had several panic attacks and they are horrific.
She wants me to start medication,I will I think just to see......She asked me what was going on a year ago......
Let's see you had 35 tumors removed, were in BW for 9 days and we were scrambling for meds and trials. My psyche must have known, because my body is now reliving that fear that I was going to lose you. The fear of a year ago is no where near the reality of the loss.
Right here, right now as I write these words the pain so so fresh, so ripping through my heart and soul that it is unbearable. I want to stop writing and go inside and watch whatever I can find, like I did last night, 3 hours of what? Distraction? numbness?
Oh why can't this be over? I can't imagine another night without you let alone another half a year.
Grief, so exhausting, so unforgiving, so ever present.
Sometimes it is like a monster ever hungry for more more more.
More tears
More searing pain
More memories to scar.
It will never go away, I don't think want I to, for it takes you farther away from me.