booked

so tired, cleaned all night for the "support group". they are coming on Thursday, how ironic. My mother was here helping, doing all the tasks Chris used to do, cleaning vauming, re arranging the pillow. I am so tired, I flop on the couch turn on the TV, trying to relax....my mind wandres from Gordon, my eyes wander from the 65 inches of food TV.....CSS, Visual Basic, Visual cookbook (is this a joke) The titles swim before my eyes the reds an blues and yellows, are allengineering books in primary colors? oh no here I go on that crazy roller coaster, it sweeps me in before I can stop it....I thought I was way beyond this ride, haven't I ridden it enough? I cannot stop it. I am sucked down into its depths, like I am on a slippery slide, I hiccup sand the the sobs come and come and come, a torrent of tears, his books causing me pain and anguish as if it is day one. NO, I thought I had passed go, is it because I have thought just a thought that I am being punished/