Autumnal Equinox 538

I awake at 5:38 AM.....the same time that Chris died almost 6 months ago. I awake to total darkness. The morning Chris died, the dawn was just breaking a red sky ......red sky in the morning sailor's warning. Only it was my warning of the darkness to come.
Every morning I wake alone still clinging to my side of the bed. His side empty still. He has not returned.
Yesterday morning I felt that he was here in the bed somehow. Was I hallucinating or pretending that he wrapped his arms around me? I rolled face down to the spot where he last lay. Trying to feel him, trying to sense some communion with him. I just want to know......know what? Where he is, what he is feeling, what this is all about. I just want to know something. I just don't know what that something is.....why did this happen? what the hell am I supposed to do know? will this stabbing pain in my heart go away ever?
I read the obits this morning. I always look to see if any 50 somethings died, as if there were an epidemic of 50 somethings dying or as if if I see someone who is 50 it makes Chris death less freakish.
A 59 year old woman died "of a broken heart" 3 months and 2 daus after her husband died.
how did she manage that? I think? Why couldn't I have done that? Why do I have to go on living with a broken, no shredded heart? Did she just give up? Did she take to her bed and stop eating and drinking....how?
I am so jealous, what a tribute to her love. She leaves three children. Did she get her affairs in order, write a will and purge the house first, before lying down in the spot her husband died and doing the same? did they meet in the afterlife and dance a dance of reunion....these are the questions that I want to ask.