clean break

Cleaning the house, the widow support group is coming....and guess when the last time I swept and vacuumed the entrance way was? Hmm February? Such a mess as was the stairs not vacuumed since last New Years, did it feel good? hmmmm actually NO! I want to keep this dirt, the dog hair, the sand and the grit. Who knows, Chris shoes probably dragged that dirt in.....and now out it goes.......I cry as I sweep out the dirt, as if I am sweeping him away.

I light a fire in the chiminea, in case the smokers (4 out of 5 widows in my group smoke which I find horrifying but intriguing, maybe they want to hasten their ride to their husbands by inviting lung cancer into their lives. Maybe I should buy a pack?

I am thinking too much, I need a break, I pop a beer, so much for the sober September.....I will take it easy I have so much more to do but am so tired after working a 14 hour day and seeing way too many clients (one of whom said to me I don't know how you do your job---yeah? me either???)

I turn on the TV, want to catch Donny Osmond on DWTS a show I never watched but promised my BFF in Alaska I would check out......waiting a commercial comes on about a lost dog and a guy with a Blackberry who takes and posts a pic and re unites the dog withe girl who owns it.
I cry and think about how pathetic Chris would think I am crying at this........but I thin he would probably be crying too......not too much just a little moist. I ask to no one do you think me pathetic? Can you see me? He says yes I can....I wave my arms pathetically at the air......WHERE ARE YOU???????????????
and he is gone, so not here, another vacuum, another whole in the air around the space he used to occupy the desk chair, the sofa the bed. It is as if the space is empty within its own bubble.