ouch

Taking a break from the prep for the widows to come tomorrow......At first I felt good, happy, how lucky to be home at 3:30 watered the garden and began cooking, made the dough for the torata (it's resting) the crudites (or crude ites as Chris would say), the dip and the mozzarella skewers. Sat down......overwhelmed. I don't want to be alone here, I don't.... this is so stupid, me alone here cooking food......I should be cooking dinner.....not apps for the partner-less bunch. Yesterday I cleaned, I felt good about the house after, it looks nice when it is spiffed up, now I don't care. I fucking hate this roller coaster ride. I feel like I should choose a team, either ok or not ok. I can never find any peace, just waiting to be hit over the head with the stark realization that he is gone forever........I try to lean into he pain as my therapist told me to do. I lean and it hurts, the sharp tentacles of my loss stabbing me everywhere. I try to swim to the surface, but I am too tired. How can I be expected to work all day and grieve at the same time. How will I ever survive this and do I care. I feel like I could just walk to the Bridge and jump off.
Need to get that will done. Want to go to P town for Halloween.....surely I will get some relief then....