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Home from Addison, want to log onto the computer to check email quickly before I tackle some chores (De cluttering shelves brought about by visiting my sister's house). I try to log on and it won't go. I re boot, nothing, try Chris computer. I start to panic when I see his desktop, haven't seen it in months, the menu of Internet site selections he created for our in house intranet makes me sad. Just another reminds of the renaissance man I married, he created wonderful things.....things that were useful and amazing to other people and things the are now locked up because he holds the keys of knowledge to unlock them and make them useful.....why didn't I sit at his feet and learn or at least watch, what was he doing? What was I doing when he was creating? Cooking, cleaning,, drinking?

I try the other computers None of them work. I run a diagnostic, nothing, check the modems the wireless downstairs, go back up nothing....I repeat this loop several times, like a hamster in a wheel.....going nowhere, going nowhere. On the 5Th time, I break down holding onto lolly column downstairs, the sobs well up somewhere deep in my gut and erupt out of my eyes and mouth. Deep wracking sobs that cannot stop. Why can't I figure this out? Is this like the Vault? Why didn't I ever pay attention to this? Why didn't I learn from him. What are all these wires? Maybe I will just cancel the Internet...I actually think this a good idea, save 50 bucks a month and be on line at work. Crying Crying Crying, can't stop, don't particularly want to, trying to feel Chris somewhere, surely he would want to help me out of this......surely wherever he is is does not want to see me cry like this, so distraught. Is it the loss of the Internet or the loss of my life? The loss of my love, my partner them I could lean on now all I have is this stupid, cold rusting lolly column that holds up the house but can't hold me up, or fix my problems.

I stagger upstairs, past the boxes that hold my chiminea, that were so heavy I could hardly move them. I sit at his desk, the glow from the computer monitor page denying me access to the World Wide Wed, glowing in mockery of my incompetence.

I cry some more, looking around here at the epicenter of what was his world, mission control. The computer, the vault, the extra hard drives, all the little lights from the electronics blinking like stars in some alien constellation. All part of his world Now lost and adrift without it's Captain Kirk to steer, to command the Starfleet. All that is left is the passenger.

Beam me up Scotty there's no intelligent life down here, just a broken hearted wife .

After what seems to be a the whole evening of cryng then numbness, finally am dried out enough to call comcast....there is an outage in Beverly....the irony is not lost on me at all.
I decide to finish the chores I started two hours ago.
It is while I am listing the culled books (a guide to San Diego and New Orleans----I am never traveling to those place again) that the doorbell rings, Jared stopped by to get the videos left here by Ashley his on again off again girlfriend. He has his hand wrapped up from a soccer injury ( I though soccer involved the feet?) He asks what the boxes are.....I tell him the chiminea has arrived, but that I can't lift the boxes,he offers to help and we laugh as we realize that with his hurt hand he can't do much to lift them.
Ah irony.