April 2 2010 Evening

22 people for dinner!?!? What was I thinking? An unique way to remember Chris, something to create that we could look forward (??) to every year. Definitely a marker, though, a big deal. Lynne came early to help. Gail abstained. Only 2/3rds of the harem, oh well t would have to do. My fantasy was that if all three of us (withces of Eastwick) were here he would have to show, the pull would be too strong.
The table is set it looks better than I thought, all aglow in white linens and candles. I love the way everything looks, dreamy, spiritual. Candles everywhere. white rocks from Racepoint beach as place cards. It truly is a magical space created in our home. The sun is setting and the slanting rays cast a golden sheen on everything.
Folks start arriving, Kathy my next door neighbor comes bearing the meatloaf she prepared as well as Chris's favorite dessert Marble Cake1. Laurie comes with her trinkets and tools. A Sage brush to cleanse the energy of each guest before they enter the house. Not sure how this will go over with my Catholic "I can't eat on good Friday" sister and her Asian husband, but I want to do this right. Jared, my "tadpole" gets to stand outside with the burning sage brush and as each person approaches the door, he tells them that it is to cleanse their energy. Everyone has dressed in white and it lends a oneness to the night. Guests are respectfully quiet as the enter, carrying their offerings to kitchen. Laurie's partner is making the mashed potatoes and I was curious why he waited to make them here instead of making them at Laurie's and bringing them, one taste and I didn't care. They were creamy perfect clouds of yum, just the way Chris would have loved them. Simple, pure and whiter than white. I was in charge of the chicken and stuffing (in the bird of course). Andrea made a chopped vegetable salad with the whitest creamiest ranch dressing. All his favorite foods, all his favorite friends, what more could he want.
I don't really believe that he will show up in 3 d , I just want a whisper of a feeling, like a soft breeze that catches my attention for just a moment, brushes my cheek with its coolness and separateness. A sense of special.
Finally everyone (but Mac, Brit and Neal ---who are at a God Friday ?Celebration) is here. After a few minutes of enjoying Chris favorite appetizers, bread with dipping oil and scallops wrapped in bacon, washed down with a white russian or rum madras, Laurie rings her Tinga bells. She says nothing just a simple one note ring. She only has to do it twice and everyone is silent. She asks everyone to take their place at the table so that we may begin. By now it is dark outside, but there is sufficient candlelit for everyone to make there way to the table. Clad all in white the clothing seems to glow in the darkness. It looks as if we are lit from withing. Is that the meaning, the message? We all carry a part of Chris with us? Us who are left behind. Or is it us who have moved away from him?
We settle in, silent, even Aurora cooperates.
Laurie speaks:
" Grief is an altered state. Death forces the mind/body to enter another state of consciousness, another dimension. Our friend Karen has entered this awareness this past year. We have all observed her pain, both emotional and physical.
Chris and Karen shared a special love. They, the king and queen lived in the Love Shack while welcoming all of us into their home. It was clear to me that they knew how fortunate they were to have one another. They appreciated one notherr and the life they co created together. it was close to a perfect relationship. I smile when I remember Chris rolling his eyes as Karen took yet another call from a desperate client and talked them off the ledge.

I believe Karen found her anchor, in Chris, her ground her dearest friend. and within their love she healed some of hr deepest wounds.

Chris' world opened up by sharing life with a wild woman. This vibrant ever changing with the new liberated, high energy, loving female changed his world and made it fun and exciting. He told me so,

And so Karen was forced into the sacred practice this year, fored to bear the unbearable. The loss and grief of a beloved husband nd companion. She has experienced that very skillfully at times:individual therapy, group therapy, support groups, journaling, crying, blogging, eating, not eating, drinking, not drinking, being alone, being with friends, working too much and turning grey.

Sometimes when she stopped resisting she would go directly into the pain,sometimes moment by moment.

As Karen moved through her grief sh has had to push herself beyond her own limits to go beyond whatever and who ever she had previously imagined herself and her life to look like. I believe Chris prepared her for thistransformation of inner bonding as hard as it was and still is.

During this difficult long year of mourning she never stopped caring cooking,laughing,volunteering and being there for others with her wit, her energy and her food. Adam Lambert, the sexy massacred angel, sang to her to guide her along her path. And she has black leather glove to prove it.

Karen's essence energy is straight from the heart. Chris'essence energy is straight is straight from the heart.

In the words of one of my favorite spiritual teachers Stephen Levine 'when we die energy moves from one state of being to energy of a different kind'.

i invite us all to have a moment of silence together to honor Chris' spiritual energy and heartfelt essecne and to see, embrace and acknowledge Karen in all her goodness and growth"

Karen may you saturate yourself with compassion and deep self care and move forward living your life from your deepest highest most alive self."

I am blown away by Laurie's words. She has crystallized the year and in true and beautiful way. We are all silent.

Laurie invites others to speak. Using Chris' GORT figurine as a talking stick she invites everyone to share something with me.

Janet tells a story of a time when she and Chris after one of the many many meetings they attended to advocate for dogs in the park, went out for a drink. As was their habit she called Mike and Chris called me to join them. Before we got there Janet shared that Chris asked her to compliment me when she saw me as I had just begun a bootcamp-style workout and had lost some weight and he wanted me to feel good about it and continuing. I had not heard the story before and it was another shared moment demonstrating how loved I was.