mosaic thougts

Can't gather all my thoughts into one coherent entry. So here is my mosaic.....
When I got home from work there were two blue hand blown vases on the granite counter top. Jared was here. The vases swirled with blue, a bud vase and a wider one --could be a candle holder or a vase. Not unlike the larger orange one he gave me a while back.
Isn't it strange that the woman who has long collected leftover glass in pieces weighting up to 50 pounds is now hanging out with a real life glass blower, who is filling her home with home made glass trinkets?

Debbie (a nurse at AGH) asked me today how I was doing, I seem ok...she said "do I have any real moments of happy?". I told her about the group calling me out when they asked me the same thing...I always answer humorously never real.... and how being alone was hard. I seem to be mostly ok around lots of poeple a change from 6 months ago when I couldn't be in a crowd of more than 2 without crying, now it is like I am performimg.....look at her she is doing so well......
And then I cried all the way home tonight, overwhelmed with the fundraiser, stress from Mark Libon and an uncertain future.

Talked to Max today, he is broke again, he is going through cash so quickly I am worried that he might be into something bad. I swear this is the last deposit I make ito his checking account.

I spent Saturday going through stuff in the back room, Chris' sanctuary. The dust and dog hair were alittle overwhelming. I wanted to start a fire and did. The years of Fine Home Building Magazine were weighing heavy on me. I hate the build up of paper especially magazines. Maybe it's my sister's husband's office filled to the brim with scientific journals that got to me once, or maybe it's just thatI did buy Chris the entire FHB collection on DVD ( for 400 bucks---it is still in the shrink wrap). If I have them on disk why keep them here? I know if he was here and alive he would just tell me to leave them there, are his and I need to respect his stuff.....which always makes this so much harder than it is, if that's possible.
Truth be told I had a couple of BL's and that helped. I emptied the shelf and took them all the way out to the recycling bin where they will stay until next week when the recycling truck comes. In theory they are not thrown out until that time. I still felt a twinge of guilt, like he will be mad at me, upset that they are not there. This feeling comes as a surprise, this feeling hasn't been around much, it is awakened by the action of tossing something that was Chris'. Something that he had not touched for at least 3 years, but his nonetheless.
Braver and brazened I turn to the bookshelf. More home improvement magazines and books. It is the shelving unit that contains his ashes.Hallowed ground. Still there are so may books on kitchen remodeling, will I ever need these in my lifetime? Or if he comes back he won't be here doing the kitchen again will he? I list a few on Amazon, none of the ones with the post it notes though I save those. The ones we picked out together I kept, the ones he bought that don't register are fair game. Out of one whole shelf I get rid of half. I make room for his ashes so they aren't crowded. I turn the bookcase around so it faces the entrance more so I can see his ashes while I watch tv. It comforts me somehow. I don't think he would mind, at least that is what I tell myself.