late again leaving work at the Cape Ann hospital (still leery of Big Brother so I won't name it here. driving home or to my next shift at my other job. I have 3 clients yet to see, something that would never happen if Chris were alive, I would be heading home to make dinner, enjoy a meal and some AI with my husband. It strikes me that I can't remember what that feels like. I try to pretend he is home or that he will be home. what did I think while driving all those nights when he was alive. What was happening a year ago? I do remember thinking about the possibility that someday I WOULD be doing what it is I am doing now. Driving home as a widow, alone to an empty house. I chastised myself then, if you think it will make it happen, I hated myself for going there in my head, but it was like biting a sore tooth, you can't stop....or at least I can't. I imagined the loneliness and emptiness.I imagined being able to go to the second job after the first, not having to cook dinner, not having anyone to kiss at the end of the day, not having anyone to even know that I made it home after a snowy night.
Why oh why, then can't I remember the real feelings of going home every night to all that love that Chris had for me? What was I thinking on this stretch of 128? What to make for dinner? What we would watch on TV? Looking forward to hearing about his day and telling him about mine. Having a warm and open presence.....just someone who got me, loved me and lived for me.
So so easy for me to slip in the " this is what it will feel like when he is dead" mode when he was alive, than to feel the memory of what it was like to drive home to him when he was alive.
Why is that?
Why?
Y?
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