What Do You Want From Me?

Adam's new video What do you Want From Me came out yesterday. In it he wanders around his home going from room to room, he acts upset, depressed. It looks familiar.
Thursday night I did the same, I wanted to write, but couldn't get out of my own way. Couldn't surf, or read, just plunked down in front of the TV. Watched some horrible Lifetime movie. Comatose outside, numb inside. I always turn Chris' chair which is next to the couch around to face the TV. As if his ghost could sit there.I feel so very alone, and yet have so many friends that want to be with me. Just not tonight. the phone which usually rings at least three times a night is eerily silent. The house is completely dark, except for the glow from the 65 inch magnet I am drawn to.
Is TV an excuse? Is it better than just sitting alone in a dark house. I am not really watching the movie I might as well have the TV off. But my "always must be productive personality" prevents that I guess.
What am I supposed to be doing? What do you want from me? Move on? Pretend my marriage never happened, so I don't have grieve that my wonderful life is over? Don't be angry that I don't deserve a modicum of contentment in this life? What am I supposed to do now? Live a life? It seems so useless, work home sleep, work home sleep, I hardly do anything else. Of course 60 hours a week doesn't leave much else. Still there are unharvested hours. 8 to 10 every night. 6 to 7:30 every morning. All day Sunday. Maybe that's something to work on, not working so much. An oxy moron.
Maybe I will just wear out and stop like a robot with a dead battery, like a wife with a dead heart.