AI Season 9

Another season of American Idol tonight. ~sigh~
It was a welcome diversion (as it was always was for Chris and I). Winter, holidays over, something to get us through. And how how it got me through the dark days of April and May. there would never be another Adam, though, so why watch? What else to do? I would just watch Lifetime Movie Network or channel surf, why not allow my self another AI? After all Donna watches it and we used to chat about it, it was a nice connection. She was the one who actually started Chris and I wathcing it, she has watched all 9 seasons(and is a devout ---hard swallow---Claymate).
I called Donna, before the show. She was out to dinner with the "JC Penney girls".
She would be home in time, but cut our conversation short when she arrived home. She did tell me that she and Darryl (Jennifer's widower) and the girls had lunch Sunday, Darryl was sad (belying his "I'll be just fine" on Jenn's funeral day). He yelled at the kids at the restaurant because they were acting up. Donna wishes the kids would behave but I think it is a good sign that they are acting up, acting normal.
Anyway I missed the connection with her, and plan to call her again.
I settle in on the couch. No candles lit just me and Aurora on the couch.
I start watching a half hour later using the DVR to buzz through the commericals. It felt weird, watching it without Chris. For the last few years (since we stopped wathcing Survivor), this was our show, that we actually watched together. Maybe it was the music, or just the comic relief. But he is not here. I turn his chair around so it faces the TV. I pretend that he says "This is American Idol" with Ryan. It doesn't work. I am profoundly sad but cannot cry. I watch the show, I thought someone (Sharon? Donna?) would call me......no one does. One guy from Boston who kicked cancer sings Feeling Good (when Adam sang it I thought it was a message that Chris was happy and in a better place. Adam sang from a pink stairway--Chris' mom's favorite anti cancer color---another Chris link). Is it weird that the cancer survivor is singing the Adam Cancer song?
Is it a sign? Can I watch tomorrow night?