January 3rd

January 3rd.
worked all day at the Big House (Beverly Hospital). I cried the whole
way to work in the car. It was snowing and blowing and driving
conditions were hellish. I felt cold, wet (from brushing off my car)
and alone. It was so white it was like being in a snow globe, nothing
but snow swirling around me. I could only drive about 10 miles an
hour.....no matter, I am the only one on the road. Still feeling sorry
for myself, I am sobbing and driving with no visibility from either
side of the windshield ; on the outside because of the snow and on
the inside because of the tears flowing from my eyes. Pathetic. How
can I go to work like this? I want to turn around so bad. Turn around
and go home and do what? Cry? Anesthetizes my self as soon as it is the
cocktail hour? What? I inch along crying and crying. No thoughts just
tears. I turn on the CD player (Adam is in it of course).
If I had you is playing.

So I got my boots on, (SNOW BOOTS)
got the right amount of leather (just the gloves.....)
And I'm doing me up with a black colour liner (no make up for me---no
energy to even shower today)
And I'm working my strut but I know it don't matter (more like a limp
with the arthritic hip)
All we need in this world is some love (I need love but my love is dead...)
There's a thin line between the dark side and the light side baby
(there's a thin line between my depression and my desire to
die)
It's a struggle gotta rumble tryin' to find it (You got that part
right,Adam, this is a struggle of gargantuan proportions)

But if I had you, that would be the only thing I'd ever need (Chris Chris Chris)
Yeah if I had you, then money fame and fortune never could compete
(Chris I promise I will quit all my jobs like you wanted me too..)
If I had you, life would be a party it'd be ecstasy (and this pain
would be gone....)
Yeah if I had you
The song is up beat but the lyrics make me cry. If only I could have
Chris, why was he taken, what the fuck did I do in this life or a
previous life to deserve this hell? What am I atoning for?

I am driving so slowly now 2 cars pass me. I can't see,I pull over, at
this rate I won't make it to work until lunch time. I try to get myself
together.I take a swig of some half frozen orange soda left in the car
from a home visit last week. Pathetic.

Back on the road, the next song is : Pick you up

Jumpin’ out the window (Wouldn't I Love TO??)
Movin’ on, groovin’ on
Which way will the wind blow? (Oh it is blowing all around me and it is Frightening)
We can’t be wrong, so say ’solong’ (were we wrong to think we could beat this cancer and now we have to say so long to our life?)
I’mma pick you up, I’mma pick you up (Oh Adam you always do but you better
What’re you tryin’ to say to me?
Catch the train out to what you’re tryin’ to do
Are you gonna play with me?

All my life, I’ve been waiting (all my life I waited for someone like you, Chris)
Pass my time, procrastinating now (wasn't interested in any one or getting serious)
It’s a trip on a flip (life with you was a trip like I had never even imagined)
And flash right through the scene
Can’t you see what I mean?

Breaking through the boundaries (of my life with you??)
Rollin’ on, strollin’ on (trying just to get by..)
They won’t ever find me (if I ever end up getting that gun...)
And after all, we’ll have a ball (yes Chris, you and did have a ball, but now Cinderella is it ver)
I’mma pick you up, I’mma pick u up (I know I will get through this I just don't know why I care)
We’re gonna see where we can go (we had so many places to go..)
This is how I live, this is what I give I love alone, I give so much every day...)
And you’re the one I want to know (CHRIS!!!)

Tiny minded two-tone suckers (Stop asking me how I am, if you knew mw you would know)
Same old faces make me shudder (I need to get outta her)
Countless times I’ve screamed ‘oh brother!’ (I have screamed oh CHRIS)
Where are you? I need someone to be my lover (SO OBVIOUS!)


Crying crying crying,,,,,, this whole song is so up and down, the end is a searing vocal that goes on and on not his highest but one of those endless Adam things, and then he laughs.....I am crying and he is laughing and he makes me chuckle, just in time I pull into the parking lot.....